And still losing…

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It’s been a long time since I posted. Back in May I had lost almost 40 lbs. Fast forward four and some odd months and I have lost 44 lbs. and am still going for another 5 or so. I feel great, not only because of the weight loss but also because my body is beginning to feel better. My knees don’t hurt, I don’t get out of breath as much and to my shock and joy, I am now officially “overweight” rather than “obese”.

I know very well that we are in the days of fat acceptance and I applaud that. But I also know that for me personally, carrying all that weight on a small frame without much height to boot was not good for me or for my ego.

I notice I am kinder to people who struggle to continue. It has not always been easy, but when I forget to track or go off the beaten track, I tend to gain and not feel good. I am glad that I have lots of NSV’s and I am very happy for that. Best wishes to all of you struggling out there. One thing that has kept me going is asking myself “what will happen if I just don’t give up this time?” I am learning the answer. It’s all good!

St. Patrick’s Day

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Although I was born in Costa Rica and lived here for 8 years in early childhood, the most important years of my life were spent in Brooklyn, New York. Our neighbors were mostly Irish and Italian and while some were in the States for generations, a lot of the Irish folk were recent immigrants like we were.

I recall spending a lot of time at the home of one of my classmates who had 6 brothers and sisters. They were blessed with one of the sons studying to become a priest. Her father owned a small “pub”. They had boarders that depended on them for changing their linens and providing meals in exchange for rent. I learned a lot about their culture. Those were wonderful days that did much to contribute to my considering St. Patrick’s Day a personal holiday because on top of everything, my middle name is Patricia.

I also credit or blame the wonderful food I ate at their house on a regular basis for my gaining weight at great speed after I had managed to lose it. But who can say No to freshly baked Irish soda bread with an obscene amount of butter and strong Irish tea? Not me. To this day, Mrs. O’Malley’s bread cannot be surpassed or forgotten by me. Wherever they are today, cheers to the whole family.

What Clothing Says About Us

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I am a senior citizen. I was overweight until I turned 20 and became overweight again at about 50! But I had a good 30 years in between where I was a good size for my height. I love, love, love clothes. After spending my childhood having to wear whatever was available in the “chubby” section (not much back then), I really enjoyed purchasing styles that looked good on me and that I was able to wear year after year because I kept my weight “in check”.

Something happened in my 50’s that had nothing to do with not caring. It was actually taking on more and more responsibilities and eating more calories than I was burning because a lot of those responsibilities were taking place in sedentary situations, like a desk! But no matter, my point really is that even though I gained weight, I could now purchase (or sew) clothes that I loved and that was not a problem. I enjoy getting dressed and even today when I am much larger than I ever expected to be (working on it though) I still like to wear fitted (not tight) clothing that is stylish and fun.

I grew up with aunts and other relatives who were scandalized by scantily-clad women. One of my aunts actually took it upon herself to paint over record-album covers featuring any women showing even slight cleavage. I suppose that seeing that as a youngster made me very worried about showing any more skin than was accepted by the authorities in my environment. I have yet to wear (I’m 66!) anything that shows cleavage. If I don a generously cut v-necks then a tank top goes underneath. I am not a risk taker by nature. I hate being scolded. I don’t like to be uncomfortable. Showing cleavage and pulling up the shirt constantly would make me uncomfortable, so I just don’t do it!

The latest Met Gala in New York and all the fashions that were present were amazing. We saw much cleavage and in one photo I swear it looked like the star was naked. I don’t think that even if I had a perfect figure, I would have had the confidence to carry that off. I don’t really always understand why people (men and women) make some of the wardrobe choices they do. These days it seems rude to ask. But I do ask, at least mentally, when did less become more? While I am not a 100% prude, I do believe that a little mystery in all things is not always negative!

Sisters!

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I had a very complicated relationship with my older sister. I am not sure she was ever aware of it. The fact is that my sister had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (undiagnosed) and I was younger and more willing to sacrifice my wants and needs for the sake of family harmony.

It all started when we were children, of course. We had a pretty nice childhood. Our parents were able to afford household help and we did not have too much in the way of chores or other menial jobs to contend with. That all changed when we moved to New York (from Costa Rica). It was no longer viable to hire household help so the brunt of the daily tasks fell on us kids because both our parents worked.

I don’t remember resenting this very much but my sister was just reaching puberty and had other things (boys, boys, boys) on her mind. Unfortunately, we did not have much in the way of guidance from our parents, we were simply not allowed to date or be out unless we had permission. My sister was always rebellious. She did not always come home after school right away and that meant that whatever she had to do prior to my parents getting home, like starting dinner, did not happen.

The slack was picked up by me, she counted on that always. It never occurred to me to complain to my parents because my sister was scary and her unspoken promise of giving me a beating kept me silent. I understand all about bullies from years of having her inflict her punishment on me. As I got older, I began to understand her personality and worked out deals with myself that allowed me to keep some self-respect but at the same time stay physically safe from her pinches or kicks under the table.

I imagine that my sister was secretly envious of me. Although I was overweight all during my childhood into late adolescence, I enjoyed the attention of people who liked being around me because I was easy to like. I am not being immodest here, it was just a reality. I made people laugh, I was very deferential and I had a lot of skills that I was willing to employ so that fun at events was guaranteed. My sister had a rather mean streak and no one escaped her sarcastic remarks. Sometimes I was embarrassed for her and I know that more than once, I avoided mentioning an activity I was going to participate in because I didn’t enjoy her tagging along.

It has taken me a long time to be honest with myself. The truth is that I never let her see the real me because she pounced on vulnerabilities. The very person who should have had my back was the first one to reveal my private affairs or thoughts to others. After a while, I protected myself and it hurt me deeply that I could not count on her. My sister died two years ago, but in reality, her death for me had come much sooner. I feel awful writing that but it is the truth. I need to work out a lot of complicated feelings, not the least of which involve my own lack of support for myself. I have not grieved my sister, she continues to affect me every day because even in death, she left a bit of chaos.

Thankfully, there are plenty of books on the subject of grief and also on siblings and complicated relationships. Perhaps one day I can write one of those too.

My Loyalty to WW (formerly Weight Watchers)

So last week I left you all hanging with my thoughts on knowing/participating/losing weight with WW for 50 years! I know, I know. A person’s weight/diet/thoughts on weight/diet are unique but there are some things that are shared because of society’s judgments on (especially female’s) looks.

I am just about to turn 65. I was always a chubby kid. I weighted over 8 lbs. at birth so I already had a handicap. My early years were in Costa Rica. I was heavier than my peers, always. My working mom felt terrible about leaving us every morning so she used to sweeten our milk before it went into the bottles that would comfort us the hours she was away. I don’t remember ever feeling deprived or sad. We were physically taken care of by the household help my parents were able to afford and there was plenty of love during the weekends from grandparents, parents, cousins and friends. But sugar in the milk was surely addictive.

When we moved to the U.S. in 1963, I was 8 years old, chubby. I look at pictures of me and see that I was chubbier than everyone else but nothing alarming. Baby fat that would have resolved itself without intervention for sure. However, there was plenty of intervention. My mother suffered about my “obesity” because she assumed there were emotions behind my overeating. I enjoyed eating and I was a rather sedentary child, that’s what I think. I did/do love sweets!

I managed to get along with everyone and I was a pretty good kid. The trouble always started when we needed to go get clothes. I could never find anything to fit me in the kids department. There were no plus sizes then…I sometimes believe that my mother just didn’t want to admit that she had to buy large sizes for her young child. When I was 10 years old, I was put on a diet. It involved a quack doctor, shots and diets. It didn’t last long but the damage to my metabolism probably started then.

When I was 15, my mother decided to go on a diet. She decided I would go on one too. I was probably 15 lbs. overweight at that point. We joined Weight Watchers. Our group leader was a man who had lost over 100 lbs. I was mesmerized. I lost the weight within 6 months and did learn a lot about nutrition. I did feel terrific. I had learned to sew a few summers prior to that (cause it was easier than fighting retail!) so I made myself some cute (small and short) skirts. I loved the compliments.

I don’t know when I fell off the wagon but I know it had something to do with my best friend’s mother’s wonderful Irish Soda bread that she made in the afternoons for her large family. I indulged all my desires, having not one but two thick slices, with plenty of butter and a hot cup of tea. Today we use the point system, back in 1970, it was all about starches and fats! My downfall. Within 6 months, I had gained back all the weight and then some. I still felt like me but I could no longer fit into the cute little skirts. Fortunately, it was now winter and I could “hide” behind my big coat. My mother lost and gained her weight too and then I guess we both gave up the struggle. I rarely ate in front of her because she would monitor my intake. Even if she said nothing, her expression said it all. I asked her once why she was so concerned about my weight when she had her own problem. She answered without apology that she had married, had a career, had children. Her life was complete. Mine was just beginning and aside from all my other worries, I was also carrying excess weight. She worried I would not find a mate. I never thought about marriage, children, etc. it all seemed complicated and too much work.

I will probably write an entire book about this “struggle” and how despite how far we’ve come in terms of body image, being normal weight is something that will always be my goal. At this moment, I am still 15 lbs. heavier than I want to be but 30 lbs. less than I was just 3 years ago. And again, WW has been my successful “go to” life plan. It truly is the only one that makes sense to me and I am fully aware that it is a business. My loss is my business. My business is their win. I don’t resent it, they have a good plan that will work if you work it. I have only lost about 7 lbs. this year. At this rate I will get to goal in two years but honestly, what else do I have to lose?!

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Lasting Impressions

I was probably in my early 20’s when I finally realized the connection between calories and weight. It happened one lunch hour. I was standing at the Take-Out counter of a diner waiting for my order behind a woman, perhaps a few years older than I, who was dressed to perfection. Her dress was form fitting, but not vulgar. She was stunning and more importantly, she didn’t seem to notice she was! I don’t think I have ever been as happy to be waiting for my food as I was that day. I had no place to run and discreetly taking notice of her style didn’t cause anyone any harm. If iPhones had been around, I might have taken a picture! I could not see what she ordered, but I know it was not a plain salad! That’s when I began to really, really think about calories, exercise and weight. I wondered if she was one of those lucky people who was “naturally” thin but I know that those people are usually very aware of how much fuel they need to keep their bodies in perfect condition.

It was 1975. I had lost a lot of weight quickly which I promised myself I would not gain back. I always had been chubby prior to that and although a lot of people teased about thyroid problems being the cause of my bulk, I knew it was a combination of eating too much and not moving enough. Still, I managed to lose weight (slowly usually) so I never blamed my thyroid. After the weight loss, I restricted my meals and although I love the taste of food, I loved being able to buy ready-to-wear clothing more, that was my incentive to keep my figure.

My weight fluctuated 5 lbs. either way for decades. When I was pregnant with each of my two children, I was very careful about what went into my body (more for safe births than vanity) and after their birth, I quickly rejoined WW and went back to my normal weight. I don’t really know when I began the slow but steady loss of discipline that has resulted in this chubby senior citizen! Perhaps living in a country that doesn’t have the same prejudice has encouraged this laxity, perhaps just getting older and knowing no one would dare criticize me now. It would be elderly abuse! I cannot say.

Yesterday, I was waiting in line at the Post Office behind a man in his 30’s. He was average weight, build and height. Nothing special about him except his clothes. His shirt was crisp, the pleats of his trousers were neatly pressed, his leather belt was fashionable and his shoes were comfortable and shiny. It reminded me of the young woman I saw more than 40 years ago. For some reason, looking at him and remembering her has prompted me to get back to work on cooking and eating healthfully. I know it’s calories in and calories out. It is not easy, it never has been easy, but it is doable and ready-to-wear clothing has never been more beautiful.

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How boring it can be!

When I was looking for an image to add to this post, I searched “boredom” on bing.com. The first image that caught my eye was this tired, lifeless woman who seems quietly desperate to be elsewhere. The caption reads “souvenir seller”…my goodness, who would buy anything from her? It is the perfect image to add to this post, as I am bored of the same tired subject of weight loss.

I just finished reading a simple, free PDF book by Brooke Castillo called “If I Am So Smart, Why Can’t I Lose Weight?”.  Ms. Castillo is frank about not being a doctor or nutritionist, just a successful entrepreneur who managed to lose 70 lbs. and maintain it. In my book, that lends a lot of credibility to her pitch. I read the book quickly once through as she suggests, and will probably go back and print out the exercises, etc. There are a couple of things in the book that are different from others of its kind. For example, Ms. Castillo does not suggest we get rid of the temptations (junk food) in our cabinets or the scale in our bathroom. She insists they have a place in our life if we are to successfully and once and for all get rid of the excess weight that is keeping us from living our best days.

My “boredom” with everything related to my weight issue is hopefully the beginning of a once and for all permanent weight loss. No matter how long it takes (hopefully not beyond 2019), it is my intention to be rid of the 30 excess pounds on my small frame and never have them coming back to me. Intellectually, I know what to do. It is all about calories in and out. There are thousands of programs out there, for nutrition, for exercise, for inspiration…but everything really has its roots internally. At my age (63), I have read and tried everything. My problem is that I have secondary gains from this weight or I wouldn’t hold on to it.

That is where I am this morning: cogitating the secondary gains. I know they are there and serve some purpose. Today my goal is to be kind to me as I navigate my day from meal to meal. I have just enjoyed a delicious, lovingly prepared squash and cheese omelet, two strips of bacon and one half of an English muffin. I had eaten a banana earlier and I am finishing my second cup of black coffee. This substantial breakfast will hold me for several hours. I can honestly say that I rarely feel real hunger. I snack healthily every couple of hours. My problem comes at night when, after dinner, my husband and I enjoy watching television together and we like to have a cocktail or two and a couple of chocolates. If I reduce what I eat during the day, these “empty but delicious” calories would be no problem. If I increase how much I exercise during the day, the same would be true. But I don’t do either…so my weight either remains the same for weeks on end or (if the indulgence is greater), I gain a pound or two. Like many permanent dieters, I fight with the same few pounds for months at a time.

After childhood obesity, I successfully lost 35 lbs. when I was 19. I maintained that normal weight for decades. A medical emergency in 2000 caused me to gain 6 lbs. in the hospital due to a high calorie diet ordered by my doctor to protect my organs from the strong medication to treat my condition. But 6 lbs. is not 30 lbs. I no longer have any medical conditions (except some knee pain due no doubt to the excess weight) but there has to be some mental reason for this inability to get rid of the weight. I owe it to myself to stop making excuses and delve deep into my psyche. I think this is the big takeaway I got from Brooke Castillo’s book: I owe it to me, no one else is going to do it for me. I can and will succeed.

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Personal responsibility…

It has been kind of an odd day. I woke up pretty early, didn’t do my laps because my husband was traveling and I was going with him to the airport. All went well with that outing and on my return home, I stopped in my favorite nursery and purchased a few things I needed for repotting an orchid. As a prize, I also bought myself two lovely, flowering African violets for my growing collection. I love my violets and their flowers tell me they love me back.

This particular blog has turned into my most honest one, the one where I often really do have a stream of consciousness, unapologetic narrative that deals with real issues going on in my life. I rarely read over what I write because it is a good exercise in purging myself of toxic things that might otherwise make me ill or require the help of a therapist.

I have shared that I was an overweight kid. Not obese by any standard but a good 10 lbs. overweight before my 10th birthday, causing my mother a lot of guilt, some embarrassment but mainly a sense of her own failure up close and personal. As a consequence of my fatness, I was not ever happy about a clothes shopping spree with Mom because pretty clothes in my size did not exist. My personality is such that I never really believed there was anything intrinsically wrong with me (we can credit Grandma for that, she never, ever made me feel inferior because I was fat), just that I enjoyed food and didn’t like to feel hungry.

I learned to sew in my early teens and never knew what size I wore because I made my own clothes. I was a happy kid despite the rejection from Mom and the relentless teasing and taunting of other people. My other (positive) traits became strong. I felt a need to be helpful, funny, responsible, etc. and those attributes did not feel like burdens. For the most part, I enjoyed being me although I do admit that I had imaginary friends who loved me unconditionally for more years than I care to admit.

Today, after the long and rather hectic day, I decided to take a look at the Discover part of WordPress to see what was new and exciting in the world of blogging. I came across a blog written by a fat person (I am one so I don’t feel I need to apologize for calling the blogger that too) writing long and hard to thin people she feels were/are judging her as she is getting on an airplane to travel. I admit that the writing is excellent and the thought process also. The long blog made me curious to see other blogs by the author so I visited her page and found one that was specifically about one of the popular weight loss programs in existence for about 60 years. It is the only one I feel really works and one that has taught me all about nutrition, calories, and getting to know good habits for maintaining weight and fitness.

It has always been my belief that we are each responsible for our lives. Unless there is some real issue, mental or physical, most of us should be able to accept that most of our decisions are responsible for where we find ourselves in our life. I believe that it is true that some of us have more of a tendency to have a hard time putting on or taking weight off but for the most part, it has to do with calories in (eating) and calories out (exercise, etc.) All diets will work if given enough time and most people who lose weight can maintain their loss if they continue to follow a routine of eating in a healthy manner. If one is consuming too many calories for their height/body type, etc. even from good food, one will gain weight. There is no way around this. To say that a particular diet plan is simply a business endeavor designed to make one fail and keep re-joining is to disrespect one’s power. I know what she means in a way but I can’t really accept the thesis. I have about 30 lbs. to lose. When I traveled 25 lbs. heavier than I am now in my small frame, I could feel the sides of the airline seat squeeze me in and so I purchased a first class ticket…these days, minus those 20 lbs. I can sit in coach and spend the extra cash somewhere else.

The blogger’s arguments against weight loss plans are not without merit but to simply give up the idea of travel because the preparation just along the weight issue (will people stare, will people not want to be seated next to me, will people insult me, will people assume laziness, etc.) is a nightmare very sad to me. I envision myself 30 lbs. lighter by the end of this year. My motivation is maximized when I look at pictures of myself 15 years ago because I remember that I never felt deprived foodwise but I always stuck to a more or less healthy, normal eating pattern. Years of dieting in my childhood and teenage years has made my metabolism very slow. This is something I know. I also know how many calories I can consume to maintain my weight. Extra calories without any extra exercise will make me gain weight. Although that is not the end of the world, being fat interferes with the way I want to live my life.

I want to wear belts and dresses. Right now, they don’t look good on me. I want to be able to go into my closet, pick out any item and know that it fits. I used to be able to do that, I am annoyed because these days I often have to try on a few things before I find something that is clean, ironed and fits. I want the old days back. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with paying for it when I can see that trying to do it on my own simply doesn’t work for me.  So while I accept that the blogger has a right to feel empowered by her rejection of following a plan, I think it is important to point out that some of us thrive (without obsessing) by sticking with it. Discipline, commitment and optimism are key to losing weight initially and perseverance and attention are required to maintain. What is wrong with that?

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0 point foods!

I weighed myself this morning even though my official weigh-in date is Mondays. I was very
pleased with the number…well not pleased with the number per se, but pleased that the number is
less than it was on Monday morning when I started the new plan.

I went to bed hungry last night. I haven’t felt hungry in a few years. I am shocked that I could
have let myself get this heavy, which I have mentioned previously and which I won’t really dwell
on. My husband returns on Tuesday. It is my intention and goal to set up menus for our meals
which will satisfy both of us. I know now that my downfall in the last three years has not been that
he is a great cook (although he is) but that I do pop the odd cookie and chocolate into my mouth
and forget that I ate it and repeat the process a few times a day. With this new weight watchers
freedom plan, it doesn’t make any sense to have one cookie for 2 or 3 points (my max is 23 points
per day) when I can have a hard boiled egg for 0 points or a fruit or a vegetable for the same 0!
Oprah is happy because she can eat bread! I don’t care about eating bread, I’d rather be able to
enjoy my nightly 1 1/2 oz of expensive excellent Hennessy cognac!

By this time next year, I hope to be back at my normal weight but I will be patient and go with the
flow not making anyone suffer because I am on a “d-i-e-t” and not making myself suffer when I
have a less-than-stellar eating day. I think about food and weight all the time. When I was normal
weight, I remember just being very matter of fact about it. I ate almost the same thing for breakfast,
lunch and dinner every day except Fridays when I would have two slices of sicilian pizza (hopefully
the corners) and a large helping of freshly steamed broccoli. I did that for years. Then the weekends
were more relaxed but did not include sweets, cake, or alcohol.

When our children were little, the house was replete with food. My feeling was that all food was
valid, nothing was bad, nothing was special. I was never “tempted” by anything. In childhood
our kids were normal weight (except one year when our son discovered McDonald’s and gained
a lot of weight) and candy and cookies would get stale and disgusting because they were not
enticing to them. Naturally, as they got older things have changed. They have discovered that
they like asparagus, lobster, and a whole bunch of other items they would never touch in their
younger years! I have discovered what they really like is the taste of butter, and bacon…as in
asparagus wrapped in bacon and lobster drenched in butter. Oh well, I did the best I could, now
they are adults and know what’s what.

I have had a good week. It went by very quickly. I learned how to make a few zero point meals
and have even been able to roll over some points to use on the weekend. I will be making chili
on Sunday and I intend to enjoy every bite of it. I have noticed that food really, really tastes
good when one has not been eating all day!

More random thoughts on fat…

I have been thinking about the post I wrote yesterday. I wrote that I could say someone was fat because I am fat and know that we prefer to be called fat rather than overweight, etc. But when I woke up this morning, I realized that it’s not true…we would rather no one singled us out for description of any kind. On the other hand, I am a writer. That means that when writing fiction, or a screenplay for example, there are elements of a person’s physique that need to be described. If a character has a big nose, or crooked teeth and these are aspects which are somehow important to the development of the story, then they must be described as such. I am not sure what I am thinking is translating properly onto the written page but I am going to continue to write without too much editing. I don’t think there is much danger of lots of people visiting my page, it is an exercise that I do mostly for myself because it (blogging) is by far the easiest way to make sure I write every, single day.

My mother was always preoccupied with my weight. I have never felt it as much as I have in the past couple of years (probably because I weigh more than I ever have in my life!) and I see my mom every week as she lies on her bed and stares vacantly at her surroundings. My mother was fat during most of her life, although she did have a couple of successful encounters with Weight Watchers. She worried all the time about my weight and decided to go to Weight Watchers once herself so that she could force me to join her. I was only 15 at the time and really didn’t have the wherewithal to refuse. It was a very bad thing to refuse my mother anything, she could be very unpleasant to be around although at the moment it escapes me what particular thing she did to make
it so. Yell? Silent treatment? Physical violence? I really don’t remember because I mostly complied with her directives and kept her happy. But I digress.

Mom has been bedridden for more than 6 years. She has dementia. She is cared for at home because she was a very hard-working woman who was smart about making sure that when she retired she would have a steady source of income. She continues to earn her keep by living. I am glad she is alive. I love my mother beyond words even though our outlook on life and people were so different. Anyway, back to the weight thing which is on my mind constantly even though I have tried all kinds of ways to simply accept the fatness and move on. I went to renew my driver’s license earlier this week. They took my picture. I compared my picture to the picture they took 6 years ago, the last time I had to renew. 6 years ago was probably also 40 lbs. ago. How did this happen?

I am never hungry these days, probably because I rarely skip a meal or a snack. I would say my weight has been the same for the last 3 years and each morning I wake up with new resolve to have a “good” day. In the evening, I do enjoy a bit of chocolate and one or two small servings of cognac! Gotta be about 500 calories right there. In my opinion although there are no good or bad calories, calories are calories and whether you have “thyroid” problems or not, too few calories will make you lose weight and too many will make you gain weight. I need to give up something during the day so that I can indulge in my tiny slice of heaven in the evening. Today for example I ate a large croissant for breakfast with butter (not very much) and a tiny bit of jam. I just tallied an approximation of calories and it is about 600 since the delicious-tasting croissant was on the large size.

I am fat and I am very short and my metabolism (probably from dieting) has always been very slow. When I am in New York, I walk a lot and since I am mostly on my own, I find that I am too lazy or absorbed in other things to cook or go out for dinner so my eating (though healthy) does naturally scale down. My calorie intake is reduced and I am usually 5 lbs. lighter when I come home. I would love to blame my husband’s cooking on my weight gain, I would love to say I have a thyroid condition, I would love to say anything…but the reality (and I am good about facing reality) is that I have gotten older, it is no longer easy to lose weight and I have not been very diligent about portion control. My husband is already planning lunch, I am not hungry! I will not skip lunch but I think it will go in a different direction from breakfast. Perhaps a bit of cottage cheese and some vegetables. I am actually looking forward to that.

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