If you’re here then you know that I talk about dieting a lot. Last week I shared that I have joined My Fitness Pal Premium and I am also paying for an Intermittent Fasting App. I am reminded every day that WW wants me back and they are constantly throwing really good offers my way. For now, I have decided just to use common sense, to increase movements, pay attention to calorie and portion size but generally be non-judgmental about what I am eating and definitely accept myself, flaws and all.
I am not a friend of “notifications” but when it comes to success in both the apps mentioned above, I see that there is a definite benefit that comes with these gentle reminders. Prior to letting the notifications happen, the app might believe that I had not eaten in three days because I forgot to hit the “start fast” and “end fast” buttons on the app. In one case, it really was alarmed and told me that severe health problems could result from not eating for 72 hours. I was hilarious that night because while I can comfortably manage 12 hours, 72 hours would not be possible.
I am talking myself into loving the tracking. It is amazing just how complete the list of products available in the app is. I believe I will have a nice measure of success with this particular app because aside from calories, it lists nutritional aspects that fascinate and educate me. It also predicts how long it might take to lose X amount of weight based on the items that one is recording each day. We shall see whether this will lead to my permanent success with my weight. In the meantime, I thank my body for doing its thing in the background. I feel good, I feel committed and my clothes are starting to feel just a little bit loser. All in my head perhaps, but there it is.
A strange thing happened when I started writing today. I had decided that I would search for a picture that had some sort of abstract design and when I went to the image search, the word “pattern” was already there. I clicked and the first option was the one above. Funny coincidence…if there is such a thing…
I used to spend a lot of time when I was bored in my classes making the exact same kind of diagram depicted. It is not easy to make that curve out of straight lines but I painstakingly measured and then drew my lines, always marveling at how the curve eventually made itself clear. It used to remind me that sometimes things were not what they appeared. I used to get all philosophical about it. I am very surprised that no teacher ever caught me doodling while they were talking away, perhaps they were bored with their work too and just let it go.
I am feeling a bit fat today. I am a fat, there is no denying that. I have signed up for a couple of new things to get myself excited about logging food again and cooking and eating healthily and I am reading articles and books that have to do with weight issues and the like. I can’t tell right now whether it is helping or hurting. The pandemic 15 is not my reality but if I don’t get a handle of what has me literally stuck at this high weight, I don’t know what I am going to do. To my credit, I am still showing up for things. I am still getting dressed nicely regardless of whether I need to go out or stay home. I am allowing my picture to be taken “as is” because there will be nothing worse for my children in the future than not having pictures of me or with me because I was too “fat”. My daughter wishes the subject was not constantly in our conversations but I am afraid that regardless of whether society accepts us or not, being overweight is simply not healthy and it is definitely not comfortable.
My latest purchase is MyFitnessPal. I signed up for the free month and in a couple of days, the charge will appear on my credit card. I am excited actually to be back on some plan. My personality does not really do well with free fall eating. I feel awful. I enjoy the structure and the reason why we have strayed so far (my husband and I) is because we have welcomed our children and other guests and it seems like a terrible idea to be “watching” what we eat while having to cook and entertain others. For today, I will focus on thanking my body for all the things it does without any help from me and I will do my best to do my best with smart eating at every meal.
In my mind, people confuse me for the kind of woman depicted in the above picture. Serious, scholarly bookish, etc. but in reality I do not feel I am those things. I wish I could actually know what people think of me when they first see me but it is not a question that I would ever ask. Instead I guess at perceptions based on the kinds of things that people ask me or by their spontaneous reactions to something I say or do.
It has been my habit to observe rather than participate in conversations that take on religious or political themes because I don’t feel confident enough in my grasp of these subjects. Lately I have seen that people who have less of a grasp on current events than I do are often not hesitant to share them to whoever will listen. It happens with the vaccines, the state of the economy, whether or not Cuomo did the things he was accused of and so on and so on.
My self-esteem is “normal”. I don’t consider myself a person who is consumed with pleasing others or having everyone like me although I will recognize that having other people’s respect is something that I am not immune to. I don’t like to be dismissed and can’t stand being ignored in any situation. When I was younger, it never occurred to me to think that people might not be ignoring me but just not able to see me because I am pretty short. Sometimes I ask myself if that is the reason I allowed myself to gain weight or let my hair grow so long and curly that it would be impossible to walk by and not be noticed.
I went to pick up a prescription for my husband the other day at the local pharmacy. While I was waiting my turn, a woman came in from a nearby eyeglass store. She approached me and asked me whether I was the woman who had come in days before with my husband to get new glasses for him. I had. She then told me that she was just about to call him but then spotted me and decided to let me know in person. I was frankly flattered that she remembered me after just a few minutes of a transaction. When I recounted the incident to my husband, I asked him what he thought made me stand out for her. I do have pretty curly and distinctive hair but lots of other people in our town do too. I am short and round, but so are about 80 percent of the town’s women. He replied that I have a very distinct body type…interesting to know and curious to see where that goes in the future. Just a few minutes ago, I was telling my aunt that I find my daily swimming makes me feel good and keeps my joints flexible and pretty pain free. She replied that the swimming is what makes my body look “firm”. Another interesting description. A rather positive one since being flabby is not something I would enjoy at any weight or age. I do try to keep movement in my life.
I looked up the word “august” today. My MBP’s built-in dictionary came back with these wonderful words to define it: distinguished, respected, eminent, venerable, hallowed, illustrious, prestigious, renowned, celebrated, honored, acclaimed, esteemed, exalted, highly regarded, well thought of, of distinction, of repute; great, important, of high standing, lofty, high-ranking, noble, regal, royal, aristocratic; imposing, impressive, awe-inspiring, magnificent, majestic, imperial, stately, lordly, kingly, grand, dignified, solemn, proud.
The woman that is pictured above does seem to fit the dictionary definition of “august” and it is something I will admit I aspire to be. The woman I feel I present (but obviously that is challenged by recent comments is the one below:
I think she is probably having a lot more fun than Ms. August! I am earnestly concerned that neither one of these gals is getting the writing I need to get done to publish my first book…be it memoir, novel or just a collection of inspiring journal entries. I have had a wonderful time writing this week. It has been a collection of days of exploratory sessions which I hope to continue during the rest of my days, which I hope will be plenty.
I ventured out of the house yesterday and my eyes beheld the gorgeous Queens Wreath bushes blooming all over town. On our own property, we have two beautiful specimens that brighten my days whenever I gaze at them. It has taken a long time to appreciate them in all their splendor and I am happy that we planted them all those years ago.
Of all the blogs (6) I write in, this particular one is the one closest to my authentic self. This is the one where I feel I can actually write and not be judged because of content, tone or grammar. I was appalled this morning when I realized that it has been one month since my last post here. I find that so hard to believe that I actually searched the draft and trash sections to see whether I had accidentally discarded some posts in there. Nothing appeared. I remember thinking about posting on this and that but I suppose what happened was that I never sat down and actually begun the business of writing.
My apologies to my followers. I know how frustrating it is to follow someone who says they will post regularly only to fizzle out. It was not my intention because I know that in order to grow and thrive, blogs need as much devotion as my favorite African Violets. I have had a lot going on in this first month since “retirement” but I have never been one to excuse excuses in others so I won’t be doing that to you today.
WordPress recently congratulated me on my 10th anniversary with the company! 10 years, can you believe that? It is hard to get my head around that but I do have another blog in which I have not missed a post in all those 10 years. That’s over 500 posts! And all different. I take some pride in that and promise to be more diligent and consistent going forward. I appreciate each one of my followers and will do my best to continue to show up.
Always on My Mind 