Earlier today I engaged with my writers group in a cyber meeting. It went very well, a sign that at least as writers, we are not suffering from the negative side effects of “quarantine”. In fact, we all agreed that the permission we now have to spend our day indoors and writing is something we have long been able to devote ourselves to, only now, we don’t have to have any guilt over it.
Many years ago, an overweight friend of mine become mesmerized by the extremely obese people she saw in movies or magazines. One particular movie from 1985 was called Zuckerbaby. It was about a lonely overweight 38 year old woman and her romantic interest. I went to see the movie with my friend when it opened in the Lincoln Center area of New York City. It was in German with subtitles but we loved going to foreign language films, I think it made me feel very sophisticated. The movie’s story has stayed with me all these years. I think about writing about the subject of obesity, attractiveness, acceptance, and love at least once a day. Today’s, cyber meeting prompted me to just do it.
This morning, I chose my outfit carefully. I knew that my colleagues would only be able to see me from the waist up but that did not stop me from ironing my slacks or wearing proper shoes. It has never mattered to me what other people wear or whether people iron their clothes, go for the rumpled look or simply grab whatever is clean or handy to wear for a day. My clothes must always fit me properly (regardless of what size I am) and must look nice. There are times when I try on several things before I feel comfortable and confident in my choice.
A long time ago, I was a size 8! I could walk into any store or boutique and not bother to try anything on. I simply chose, paid, went on my merry way. Alas, times have changed and so have I. I will never go back to being a size 8, no matter how much I might want to. I am targeting 12-14 as a size I can manage and not feel uncomfortable when photographed. I have a ways to go. It is okay. I have accepted that I lose weight very slowly but it is better because the wrinkles won’t be quite so noticeable!
I joined WW late 2017. To date I have lost 17 of the 40 lbs. I need to lose. My heart and soul have not been in it. I am not sure why not. The program is wonderful and it works. One theory I have is that instead of failure, I am afraid of success. What will it mean in terms of more attention from the opposite sex? I already get plenty even though I don’t feel I am at my most attractive right now. I don’t like being pursued and don’t know how to respond without being mean or offensive. Saying I am married doesn’t always discourage Romeos!
This morning, I had a wonderful NSV (non-scale victory). I tried on a few blouses that did not fit me a month ago. Although they are still a tiny bit snug, I can see the difference and it made me more determined than ever to get back to a size that makes me feel my very best. The movie Zuckerbaby was a wonderful reminder of the real value of a human being. I am the same inside at every size, but I cannot wear the gorgeous clothes I have in my closet and that makes me sad!
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