2024!

Photo by Lina Kivaka on Pexels.com

It’s mid January as I pen my first entry of the year on my most followed site.

I have mixed feelings about the writing I have been doing in the last few years. I go from defending my talents and my right to call myself a writer to admitting that my writing in my life has never brought me a single penny. A few weeks ago I was a bit startled by my husband’s declaration that “nobody is arguing that you are a writer”. I had not realized how often I share my doubts. My ambition is not money though. My ambition is very simple: I would like to see my name on the spine of a book in my bookcase. I can pay to have a book published my husband reminded me and I was quickly subdued! I have hundreds of Sunday newsletters that I feel are worthy of editing for minor mistakes and publishing. Why haven’t I done it?

My communications skills (verbal and written) have been present since I can remember. I do not consider myself shy or reserved. In fact quite the opposite although I will admit I am a conservative person who prefers to observe rather than be out there directing. On the other hand, if I have to be out there directing because people are just standing around idly wasting time or uncertain about the next step, I take my mother’s prerogative that it is better to do something even if one makes a mistake than to stand around doing nothing. But I digress, uncertain where that will lead. So back to my focus, writing!

This morning I received an email from a writer I had subscribed to on Medium. Since he was also writing for Substack, I guess I ended up on his email list. When I quit my “freelance” adventure on Medium, I lost the “right” to read any writer beyond a certain point, stopped by that incessant paywall I refuse to honor. I know paid content is the thing these days but it is not my thing. I have to be careful how I spend the discretionary monthly budget I allow for frivolities from my small social security check. It was a surprise to me to see an email from him so I was incentivized to read it. He was tweaking his settings he explained. There were people on his list who had unsubscribed to his newsletter and he apologized and asked us to unsubscribe again so he could get a handle on what’s what. I decided I would read his newsletter before taking that action.

It was a serendipitous event. In his post he reminds me of why I write in the first place: I have something to say that only I can say the way I want to. Somehow I took away from that that our writing has to be from the heart, not some cloned copy of writing we think is what the public will respond and pay for. He also shares the title of a book he considers his favorite of the last decade (!) and I went over to my digital library to see if they had it for me to borrow and they did. I was fully prepared to pay for it, that’s how much respect I have for this man’s recommendations, but in the end there it was, free to borrow and in stock.

I began reading the first page…astonished about what other people can do with words and wondering how many stabs it took before every word that fought for its very life made it into the sentence. Wow! Some people can really write complex long sentences that are clearly understood from the beginning to the period no matter how many words they contain. That is my goal, to be a clear communicator, a good storyteller, to capture my audience. I am so glad that I read from beginning to end.

My writing has to improve in 2024 as a simple acknowledgment that things improve with practice. My aim is to entertain and inform…and to enjoy the process. Here’s to me and here’s to you. Happy 2024!

The Holidays are Here!

…and with them lots of opportunities to celebrate, indulge, gain friends, touch base with family and generally enjoy planning what we will do in 2024.

2023 has been a very difficult year. I won’t be sad to say goodbye. On the other hand, my weight loss has been a boost and not something I take for granted. The total for the two years that I have invested in my health has shown that I can sustain a healthy routine. I am proud of me for that. I am just a couple of pounds away from my goal…but boy are they taking a long time to come off. But they will.

If you have been a loyal reader of this blog, I thank you. I realize my posts have been erratic.

Happy Holidays.

And still losing…

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

It’s been a long time since I posted. Back in May I had lost almost 40 lbs. Fast forward four and some odd months and I have lost 44 lbs. and am still going for another 5 or so. I feel great, not only because of the weight loss but also because my body is beginning to feel better. My knees don’t hurt, I don’t get out of breath as much and to my shock and joy, I am now officially “overweight” rather than “obese”.

I know very well that we are in the days of fat acceptance and I applaud that. But I also know that for me personally, carrying all that weight on a small frame without much height to boot was not good for me or for my ego.

I notice I am kinder to people who struggle to continue. It has not always been easy, but when I forget to track or go off the beaten track, I tend to gain and not feel good. I am glad that I have lots of NSV’s and I am very happy for that. Best wishes to all of you struggling out there. One thing that has kept me going is asking myself “what will happen if I just don’t give up this time?” I am learning the answer. It’s all good!

Weight Loss Success

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A family emergency has changed my regular routine. I am not able to swim regularly and although I cannot say I am crushed by it, I admit I do miss the regularity. I have been “on a diet” for real for the last 18 months. My weight loss has been slow and steady until recently when I have stepped up my calorie counting and cut out drinking.

To date, I have lost almost 40 lbs. and I cannot believe it. I have adjusted my goal from just a few pounds from where I am to another 10. I think then I will stop and go into maintenance. I am thrilled with the success of the last few weeks. I feel great and I am proud of all that I have been able to accomplish despite being a little bit hungry every day when I retire to my bed. I am getting my steps in, drinking lots of water and generally taking care of my mental attitude. It is not easy to lose weight but I have plenty of tools and I have a great deal of motivation as well.

Undiagnosed Mental Health Issues

Photo by Designecologist on Pexels.com

I had no idea what kind of pictures would be shown to me when I plugged in Life Success into my browser but I love the above choice. To be perfectly honest, I have never hated anything about me! Fatter or thinner, I have remained the same person all my life. My elder sister (RIP) changed personalities depending on the number on the scale. It sounds bizarre but she admitted that to me a few years before her untimely death.

We were in a Wal-mart in Costa Rica. The perception of the typical Wal-Mart shopper in the U.S. has not translated to the Costa Rican standards. I hope I can explain what I mean. People in Costa Rica shop at Wal-mart mostly because the prices are better, the quality is not bad, the selection of products is superior and the employees are not different at Wal-Mart than they are in other similar (national) stores.

My sister and I sat to have some refreshments (shaved ice, I think). During the time we were there, my sister’s attention was on the other shoppers. I didn’t get upset. I had grown accustomed to being her driver and listener as she absorbed all the sights and sounds of the world she was just entering. It had always been that way. I don’t think she ever noticed that I nodded a lot when we were together, rarely making any comments or initiating a topic of conversation. My (hard) lessons about what I could and could not share with my sister spontaneously were constantly on my mind since the first time she betrayed a confidence as if it were of no importance. I would have enjoyed being closer to her but I just didn’t trust her with my intimate thoughts or the many aspects of my life that would have been fun to share otherwise.

At that time, my sister was dangerously obese. She shared stories of the times when she was fit enough to be a WW leader. She told me about lifting weights at the gym. She confessed that when she was thin, she felt compelled to judge others who were not “fit” and how she actually would be mean or make terrible faces of disgust. When she was heavy, she was kind and empathetic. I absorbed all this information silently, not really knowing what reply was appropriate. I had already been the recipient of her anger when I gently scolded her for humiliating a cashier who gave the wrong change. I did not look forward to any of her negative attention be thrown my way. When my sister died, we had been estranged for more than 3 years. I was not present and I only learned that she was sick a day or two before she passed.

It seems awful to admit but I was relieved when my sister passed away. Our mother had passed away 38 weeks before. It was something of a surprise when my sister died so soon after our mom but in a way it was fitting. She had always resented my birth because I took the focus off her and she never got over it. I have not been able to grieve my sister and that is disturbing to me. After all, for more than 60 years, we did share an existence on this earth that no one else has shared with me.

I recently remarked to my daughter about this fact. My daughter at 27 is more mature than I’ll ever be. She asked me to think about the positive qualities my sister possessed, assuring me that if I looked with a clean heart, I would surely find some. After some musing, I did come up with a few things: my sister was a spontaneous person and it was often surprising to me how much I enjoyed going out on the spur of the moment just to keep her from hounding me. I would not have partaken of many an opportunity to see a new show, or attend a gallery opening, or be the first on the block to try a new restaurant. I promised myself and my daughter that I would seek more examples. Perhaps time will allow me to grieve properly and to also be empathetic to the suffering she had because it should have been clear to me years ago that she was the victim of mental health issues that were never addressed.

St. Patrick’s Day

Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

Although I was born in Costa Rica and lived here for 8 years in early childhood, the most important years of my life were spent in Brooklyn, New York. Our neighbors were mostly Irish and Italian and while some were in the States for generations, a lot of the Irish folk were recent immigrants like we were.

I recall spending a lot of time at the home of one of my classmates who had 6 brothers and sisters. They were blessed with one of the sons studying to become a priest. Her father owned a small “pub”. They had boarders that depended on them for changing their linens and providing meals in exchange for rent. I learned a lot about their culture. Those were wonderful days that did much to contribute to my considering St. Patrick’s Day a personal holiday because on top of everything, my middle name is Patricia.

I also credit or blame the wonderful food I ate at their house on a regular basis for my gaining weight at great speed after I had managed to lose it. But who can say No to freshly baked Irish soda bread with an obscene amount of butter and strong Irish tea? Not me. To this day, Mrs. O’Malley’s bread cannot be surpassed or forgotten by me. Wherever they are today, cheers to the whole family.

Weighing Thoughts

Photo by Lina Kivaka on Pexels.com

My progress on WW has been very good this time around. I am committed to seeing it through to maintenance. I hope it happens in 2023. Mid year would be fine but end of the year will be just as savory.

I have chosen this mindset to stick with because eating is something we all must do to stay alive. Calories in and calories out will always be the answer regardless of what plan we follow. For me, WW is the only option. I am really happy with the changes they have implemented over the years, especially for people following the plan for the first time. Gone are the words that were used in the past to make us feel guilty for indulging our sweet tooth. The resources for support are everywhere and while the accountability will always rest with the individual, the more one engages socially, the better the overall outcome.

My participation in WW groups has increased my feelings of connection. I not only receive feedback, I often give some. When I was a younger person, I delighted in being the person others looked to for answers to things. It made me happy to provide comfort to the confused or inquisitive. As I’ve gotten older, I participate less and less because I see that time if flying and that my own projects often end on the back burner because I am busy doing others’ things. If I don’t take my projects seriously then I can’t expect other people to do so, can I?

When I turned 60, I became more ambitious for myself. Perhaps too much. I decided I wanted to take guitar lessons. I decided I wanted to write a proper book. I decided I wanted to devote time to family-tree investigations. I decided I wanted to become an expert in both African violets and orchids. All this on top of being part of the board of directors of the local nursing home, taking care of the housekeeping at home, visiting my father on a weekly basis, and just life in general.

Fast forward 7 years (minus a couple for covid-related restrictions) and here is where I am: took lessons for 3-4 years and haven’t even touched my guitar for a couple. My “work” on the book is piecemeal and not very impressive though I have attended a writers’ conference that I enjoyed a lot. The family tree work is going okay; I will be taking a course in March to learn to properly conduct the research. My plants are not dead but they aren’t going to win any competitions either. I did extricate myself from the board of directors (yay!).

Today, I begin anew with a fresh outlook. I’ll be posting updates regularly. Stay tuned!

Where Did the Time Go?

Photo by Tom Swinnen on Pexels.com

I won’t even try to justify my absence. Let’s just move on. I hope every one of my followers and any newbies are having a good 2023 so far.

My last entry was very positive, I was celebrating my 25 lb. loss on WW. I am happy to report the trend continues, I am down another 2 or 3 lbs. depending on the day I weigh myself and what I actually ate. So although the progress is slow, it does appear I am finally not giving up, not starving and perhaps 2023 will be the year I begin to “maintain” for the long or short time I am on earth.

So to move on, I did close my Medium account. No refunds and no resentment, we were not a good fit. I am devoting more time to decluttering and the writing is still not the priority it should be, but it will be. This month we have plans to travel locally with our furry (and aged) companion to the beach. It will be her first time there and we will see how she handles the different atmosphere.

We have purchased more land in our small rural community and are thinking of what we will plant during the rainy season. We are maintaining areas of our house that have begun to show their age. In general we are taking things slowly and trying to get the most out of each day.

I am excited about this year even though the doomsayers have nothing but bad news to share each day. We all have choices and good ones for me right now is to limit my exposure to toxic people, negative news and harmful habits.

WW and NaNoWriMo 2022

Photo by Andrew Neel on Pexels.com

I reached my 25 lb. goal loss on Sunday. I am very pleased. I have also done decently (not word count but at least logging in almost daily) in my efforts at NaNoWriMo. I procrastinate. I know that but while I procrastinate at writing in a focused way for one story at a time, I do other things. Such as run the household and everything that is connected to that. It’s a lot of work. At times, though, it sounds like excuses.

My writing life has never had the priority it should have. Everyone else’s needs have come before mine except I do have to admit that the reason for that is because my most pressing need has been to have peace at all costs. That simply has meant that rather than fight about a dirty house, mountains of laundry, shopping, cooking, etc. I accept that writing has to take a back burner until I have time to devote to it.

I have recently allowed myself the luxury of contemplating my navel as it were. Did the sky fall? Hardly. In fact, I don’t think my husband notices that the floor is swept of debris but not mopped. Not only does he not notice, he couldn’t care less. So what have I been so concerned about? No one comes to visit regularly anymore, everyone has gotten used to the Covid behaviors and I think I am okay with that.

My blogs are all prepared for this week. I even wrote on Medium, a platform I paid for that I hardly use and decided it is not for me. But I won’t bash it because many people are successfully making big bucks. I am content to continue to depend on other revenue streams (my modest social security check and my husband) until a crisis hits, which I don’t anticipate.

In the meantime, WW has changed its program unexpectedly but it won’t affect me very much since I had already been working it in my own style. To me, when one diets (and let’s be honest, that’s the only thing that can make weight loss happen) one must restrict calories in and move more to make calories go out. I’ll think about a mindfully eating lifestyle once I get the weight off. These days, it is looking closer than ever. I feel good, to quote James Brown!

Commitments

Photo by picjumbo.com on Pexels.com

Commitments made and not honored rank high on my list of pet peeves. As it is a pretty long list, the fact that it ranks high is significant. The reality of my own recent inability to fulfill my writing commitments irritates me. Becoming irritated is not going to solve anything at this moment, let’s just let that pass.

I am writing here today because I don’t want the month of October to be over without having at least one blog entry to show for it. My month has been like everyone else’s: filled with some sadness at the limitations we have had to contend with during the last 2 years and the ones that will come up during the next couple of months as we head into 2023.

As I sit and review the 10 months of 2022, I want to make full use of my focus as I sharpen my thinking to discern what actions I need to take to measure up to the goals I had set for myself in the beginning of the year. I have done remarkably well in the priority goal which was to lose 25 lbs. I am at a loss of 24.1 lbs and should certainly reach my first goal before year’s end. I had not fully committed to the WW plan until July when I purchased a brand-new, ultra-modern scale. The initial shock came as I realized that I actually weighed about 7 lbs. more than I had thought. I took my time (and patience) to update all of my data to reflect the new and worrisome truth. Since then, I have done my best to remind myself at each meal what my aspiration was: see where it led me if I didn’t give up. I am glad I followed through. This morning I was very pleased with the number on the scale even though I am still considered “obese” by purely metrical standards. It’s okay. For today, I accept and will continue to follow the program as best I can for optimum results.

I won’t make any promises about the future (regarding my weight or my writing) but I do hope to reach the many of you who continue to support my site.