No Time to Judge Me!

So today is Friday, the day that I write mostly about what’s going on in my life and vent. I guess that’s the purpose of this, my most personal blog of the 5 I write every week.

I weighed myself this morning, trying hard not to open my eyes too widely. The number did not please me but truth be told, it didn’t surprise me either. I have not been doing the right thing with my food plan for weeks and I have been lying to myself about how much I have been on the margin of truth on this subject.

I did the right thing and logged the correct number into my WW app and did my very best not to let it discourage from eating sensibly for today. I did my 40 laps, leisurely, let’s not kid ourselves. While I was getting ready to have my breakfast, I received a reminder about a Microsoft Teams meeting I was scheduled to attend at 9 a.m. It was already almost 9 a.m. I knew I would not be making that first one so I ate my breakfast, showered and dressed for the 10:30 slot.

I don’t know what prompted me to get dressed to shoes, even donning a little makeup. When I signed on, I realized that I could mute my mic and turn off my camera and be a full participant while doing other things. However, I must say that I do feel better when I am dressed to shoes and ready to go out the door if I need to. I attended the last part of the first meeting that had not yet ended. Then there was a brief break and the second meeting began at 10:45.

I stayed for the entire (boring) class but will admit that I did learn some new things about procedures in accounting as relating to the non-profit nursing care facility that I have been part of for the last 5 years. I am the treasurer on the Board of Directors, a pro-bono position. My term will be over in June 2021 and although I have been incredibly fulfilled in being a part of such a noble cause, I am ready to pass the baton to someone else. I just need to organize my thoughts so that I can pitch all the goodness to a successor.

I am 65 years old. I have other projects in mind. I want to go away for days on end and not worry that there are checks I need to sign or transfers that I need to approve, or meetings I need to attend. After more than 20 years doing pro-bono work, it is time for a younger, more energetic version of me to take over.

It was interesting to attend this meeting. With all the wonderful technological inventions available to us in this Covid-19 era, it was refreshing to see and hear how other nursing homes in the country are coping. I still cannot get over the fact that all the residents of the Andbe Nursing Home in Kansas got infected, 10 have died so far and the outlook doesn’t look great. It boggles the mind. Our nursing home has fortunately been following protocols so closely, we have not had a single case but we are cautious about crying “victory” since the outbreaks in our neck of the woods have not completely disappeared.

So another week is ending. Another week of my diet is beginning and minute by minute and meal by meal I will eventually manage to either accept I will never lose my intended 15 lbs. or get serious and make it so.

Sisters!

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I had a very complicated relationship with my older sister. I am not sure she was ever aware of it. The fact is that my sister had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (undiagnosed) and I was younger and more willing to sacrifice my wants and needs for the sake of family harmony.

It all started when we were children, of course. We had a pretty nice childhood. Our parents were able to afford household help and we did not have too much in the way of chores or other menial jobs to contend with. That all changed when we moved to New York (from Costa Rica). It was no longer viable to hire household help so the brunt of the daily tasks fell on us kids because both our parents worked.

I don’t remember resenting this very much but my sister was just reaching puberty and had other things (boys, boys, boys) on her mind. Unfortunately, we did not have much in the way of guidance from our parents, we were simply not allowed to date or be out unless we had permission. My sister was always rebellious. She did not always come home after school right away and that meant that whatever she had to do prior to my parents getting home, like starting dinner, did not happen.

The slack was picked up by me, she counted on that always. It never occurred to me to complain to my parents because my sister was scary and her unspoken promise of giving me a beating kept me silent. I understand all about bullies from years of having her inflict her punishment on me. As I got older, I began to understand her personality and worked out deals with myself that allowed me to keep some self-respect but at the same time stay physically safe from her pinches or kicks under the table.

I imagine that my sister was secretly envious of me. Although I was overweight all during my childhood into late adolescence, I enjoyed the attention of people who liked being around me because I was easy to like. I am not being immodest here, it was just a reality. I made people laugh, I was very deferential and I had a lot of skills that I was willing to employ so that fun at events was guaranteed. My sister had a rather mean streak and no one escaped her sarcastic remarks. Sometimes I was embarrassed for her and I know that more than once, I avoided mentioning an activity I was going to participate in because I didn’t enjoy her tagging along.

It has taken me a long time to be honest with myself. The truth is that I never let her see the real me because she pounced on vulnerabilities. The very person who should have had my back was the first one to reveal my private affairs or thoughts to others. After a while, I protected myself and it hurt me deeply that I could not count on her. My sister died two years ago, but in reality, her death for me had come much sooner. I feel awful writing that but it is the truth. I need to work out a lot of complicated feelings, not the least of which involve my own lack of support for myself. I have not grieved my sister, she continues to affect me every day because even in death, she left a bit of chaos.

Thankfully, there are plenty of books on the subject of grief and also on siblings and complicated relationships. Perhaps one day I can write one of those too.

Rebel Against Block Editor

I am no rebel! Whatever I was instructed to do my entire lifetime, I have always complied. So this is why I am having such a hard time understanding my absolute rebellion against WordPress’ new block editor. I know they gave us years of warning and I have done a tutorial or two but for some reason, it just isn’t sticking. And not being well-versed in it is costing me valuable time stressing instead of writing. It is just awful. I am unhappy about the situation and even more determined than ever to get back into the flow.

What has been happening in your life lately? It seems to me the entire world has turned upside down. I am scared to open my emails or twitter every morning. Yet, I do so just because I feel I need to be informed. Of course, being informed does not mean scrolling my feed endlessly in the hopes of what? That the narrative will change? That world leaders will somehow see the real consequences of their actions and do an about face? Tlhat isn’t going to happen and I feel pretty sad about that.

But the weekend is just about to start and I have a husband who counts on me to be upbeat all the time, or most of it anyway. It would not be fair to him to be down in the dumps, selfishly indulging my thoughts while he tries to figure out what we should eat for dinner.

For today, I will simply accept there is little I can do to fix the world, so I will take to the kitchen now and see what I can make for dinner tonight. It is my turn, no rebelling against that.

 

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Late to Press

Generally speaking I write in this blog on Fridays. I am late this week because so much has been going on in my life and in the world around me.

I decided about a month ago that I would change my WW program from purple to blue because I have not been successfully following the structure outlined. There are so many zero points in purple that I honestly have not been very good about paying attention to the portion sizes. I have not gained any weight which is marvelous considering we have been hearing so much about those dreaded Covid-19 pounds, but I also haven’t lost any weight and paying a monthly fee to just maintain seems silly to me.

The new and improved (revised) WW works if you work it. I suppose that’s true of any program but I honestly get along very well with WW. At one time I wanted to be a WW leader but I never had the chance to because there were so many other obligations in my life. Now that I have more time, I am not at the proper weight to be able to do so and I don’t feel as enthusiastic as I once did to be a leader. That being said, I still feel I can pretend that I will one day look for employment in the area so I need to be the fittest example of a WW representative.

I love entertaining people. The most satisfying thing in the world to me is hearing someone laugh because of something I said or did. Even when I was growing up, eliciting laughter (especially from serious people) was a challenge I loved to rise up to. As I got older, I had more responsibilities so time for fun and frolic were curtailed. Still I did my best to engage people. Even though I had that personality, I am equally comfortable at home, quietly reading a book.

My writing has been paused. I am not certain why I have lost the oomph but I know it is so. These days, with Covid-19 restrictions, with the craziness surrounding the elections in the U.S. and with all my concerns about the state of Costa Rica, I find myself gravitating much too often to my TWITTER feed just to keep up with the news.

Yesterday we learned that #45 has tested positive for Covid-19. He was taken to Walter Reed and the reality is that no one is telling us what the reality is. I don’t look for a good outcome here, call me a pessimist. I hope he said goodbye to his children and wife. I ask myself all sorts of questions, and although I am no fan, I can honestly say that wishing him bad stuff is foreign to my nature. Every person has to reckon with their actions.

What a week it has been. My hope is that our country will somehow recover from all that has been lost or compromised in the last 4 years.

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