Sisters!

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I had a very complicated relationship with my older sister. I am not sure she was ever aware of it. The fact is that my sister had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (undiagnosed) and I was younger and more willing to sacrifice my wants and needs for the sake of family harmony.

It all started when we were children, of course. We had a pretty nice childhood. Our parents were able to afford household help and we did not have too much in the way of chores or other menial jobs to contend with. That all changed when we moved to New York (from Costa Rica). It was no longer viable to hire household help so the brunt of the daily tasks fell on us kids because both our parents worked.

I don’t remember resenting this very much but my sister was just reaching puberty and had other things (boys, boys, boys) on her mind. Unfortunately, we did not have much in the way of guidance from our parents, we were simply not allowed to date or be out unless we had permission. My sister was always rebellious. She did not always come home after school right away and that meant that whatever she had to do prior to my parents getting home, like starting dinner, did not happen.

The slack was picked up by me, she counted on that always. It never occurred to me to complain to my parents because my sister was scary and her unspoken promise of giving me a beating kept me silent. I understand all about bullies from years of having her inflict her punishment on me. As I got older, I began to understand her personality and worked out deals with myself that allowed me to keep some self-respect but at the same time stay physically safe from her pinches or kicks under the table.

I imagine that my sister was secretly envious of me. Although I was overweight all during my childhood into late adolescence, I enjoyed the attention of people who liked being around me because I was easy to like. I am not being immodest here, it was just a reality. I made people laugh, I was very deferential and I had a lot of skills that I was willing to employ so that fun at events was guaranteed. My sister had a rather mean streak and no one escaped her sarcastic remarks. Sometimes I was embarrassed for her and I know that more than once, I avoided mentioning an activity I was going to participate in because I didn’t enjoy her tagging along.

It has taken me a long time to be honest with myself. The truth is that I never let her see the real me because she pounced on vulnerabilities. The very person who should have had my back was the first one to reveal my private affairs or thoughts to others. After a while, I protected myself and it hurt me deeply that I could not count on her. My sister died two years ago, but in reality, her death for me had come much sooner. I feel awful writing that but it is the truth. I need to work out a lot of complicated feelings, not the least of which involve my own lack of support for myself. I have not grieved my sister, she continues to affect me every day because even in death, she left a bit of chaos.

Thankfully, there are plenty of books on the subject of grief and also on siblings and complicated relationships. Perhaps one day I can write one of those too.

Learning something new every day!

Although this is not exactly the graphic I felt was perfect for this post, it is the only one I can
put my finger on at this time. What I really wanted is not available to me and I wish for the
umpteenth time that I could illustrate because I know exactly what I want but I can’t draw it
and no one else will even come close to the picture in my mind…I don’t think I can learn how
to illustrate at this point in my life, so I will just have to assume my readers know the learning
I’m talking about is not necessarily book learning or technological learning, although those are
good too.

I suppose the kind of learning I am talking about is a little more amorphous, if you will. It does
not translate easily into structured graphs or codes…instead it is the learning that comes from
living each day in an awake state. An awake state means that in this world of bizarreness (because
what other word would describe where we are in the world today?), most middle of the road
humanoids can still separate what kinds of things are simply NOT acceptable conduct for human
beings. It is impossible to live a day when we don’t hear about really awful people doing truly
unspeakable things against their families, communities, employers, and they do not get called
on it. It is not possible that those of us (and I believe most of us are) who are ethical, honest,
persevering, optimistic, etc. can continue to stand on the sidelines as if current political and
human rights violations are being carried on as if it was okay. I believe that all of us can do at
least one small thing each day: from making sure our children don’t witness in us the kind of
behavior that they would later copy and not blink because this is the environment in which
they were raised.  Think of the Trump kids. They are not aware their behavior is not right
because of the environment in which they grew up and their father before them and so on…

Not sure how many of my readers are political…the family currently in the White House
simply does not belong there. Things fall by their own weight and I believe it will not be
necessary for the common decent person to do anything more than simply wait it out.
There are strange men and women in those offices now. Something’s gotta give…

You know how after you read a mediocre book, you ask yourself, heck why did I spend money on that, I could have written it? Well, I ask myself why I never went into politics. Any clown can win, obviously, and I have always wanted to be a clown…no offence to clowns by the way.

I’m so scattered right now, as I am sure many of us are. There are real stories, fake stories, real stories about fake stories and fake stories about real ones…if you are not feeling the stress, then you are simply
not AWAKE…Set the alarm!

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