Monthly Archives: September 2019

A never ending challenge

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I put on a pair of pants this morning that felt a bit snugger than they did three weeks ago
when I put them on in New York. I don’t need to hop on a scale to confirm what the last
few days of not going hungry have done for my figure! But today is another day, and I know
that taking of a couple of pounds is not an impossible feat regardless of how hectic the
agenda.

It is a constant “struggle” this weight thing. I cannot say I feel depressed or angry, just
disappointed that my metabolism requires so little food for functioning. I resent the fact
that my mom was so concerned with my body that she forced me into a dieting for weight
loss at the tender age of 10, messing with my metabolism for a lifetime. She knew better,
she was a highly educated person. She could not bear the guilt that my physical, tangible
bulk represented for her: my need for (her) attention, attention she either could not or
would not give. Decades later, I find myself with the issue of weight or food on my mind
all the time. Sometimes it bothers me, other times I just accept it as a matter of fact.

Yesterday, I went to a fundraising event at a nearby rural community. Most of the women
(and a good amount of the men too!) present were overweight. The women did not take
any pains to hide their muffin tops, unabashedly and unapologetically wearing camisoles
that left nothing to the imagination. The men wore t-shirts with letters that stretched across
their midriff and made me smile. In my mind, I remembered my late mother-in-law’s comments
when she saw such personal fashion expressions: “Don’t they have a mirror?”

I also wear camisoles…but they serve as my cheaper spanx version and remind me all day that
I still need to lose weight. I cannot even conceive of wearing a camisole without something over
it to cover up those unsightly bulges. I try to be non-judgmental to myself and remind myself
often that even when I was thin (for 25 years of my life!), I was never comfortable with exposing
any cleavage or wearing form-fitting camisoles on their own.

Today I go to lunch with a couple of elderly (thin) friends. They (actually no one) have never,
ever made any comments about my weight fluctuations (which I try to keep within 25 lbs.). I am
certain they couldn’t care less, if they notice at all. Naturally thin people rarely spend time in this
way! I will approach lunch with a calorie-focus. I will probably skip the cocktail (but I won’t promise),
and opt for some kind of salad. Or maybe I will take my cue from whatever they decide to eat. They
are also enviably tall, something that is also not in my favor as I don’t even reach 5 foot.

It is a fascinating struggle. One that should not ever have been my struggle if my mom had just let
chubby me be. Eventually, I did learn good eating habits, and did my best to move my body gently
and learned to enjoy myself. It is now, in middle age, when I want to write (sedentarily) that I feel a
few less pounds would allow me to sit or stand comfortably for longer…for today, I will remember
that one meal at a time is the only way I need to focus on getting to the point where the pants I am
wearing today will fit comfortably again. I can do that for today.

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