Although this is not exactly the graphic I felt was perfect for this post, it is the only one I can
put my finger on at this time. What I really wanted is not available to me and I wish for the
umpteenth time that I could illustrate because I know exactly what I want but I can’t draw it
and no one else will even come close to the picture in my mind…I don’t think I can learn how
to illustrate at this point in my life, so I will just have to assume my readers know the learning
I’m talking about is not necessarily book learning or technological learning, although those are
I suppose the kind of learning I am talking about is a little more amorphous, if you will. It does
not translate easily into structured graphs or codes…instead it is the learning that comes from
living each day in an awake state. An awake state means that in this world of bizarreness (because
what other word would describe where we are in the world today?), most middle of the road
humanoids can still separate what kinds of things are simply NOT acceptable conduct for human
beings. It is impossible to live a day when we don’t hear about really awful people doing truly
unspeakable things against their families, communities, employers, and they do not get called
on it. It is not possible that those of us (and I believe most of us are) who are ethical, honest,
persevering, optimistic, etc. can continue to stand on the sidelines as if current political and
human rights violations are being carried on as if it was okay. I believe that all of us can do at
least one small thing each day: from making sure our children don’t witness in us the kind of
behavior that they would later copy and not blink because this is the environment in which
they were raised. Think of the Trump kids. They are not aware their behavior is not right
because of the environment in which they grew up and their father before them and so on…
Not sure how many of my readers are political…the family currently in the White House
simply does not belong there. Things fall by their own weight and I believe it will not be
necessary for the common decent person to do anything more than simply wait it out.
There are strange men and women in those offices now. Something’s gotta give…
You know how after you read a mediocre book, you ask yourself, heck why did I spend money on that, I could have written it? Well, I ask myself why I never went into politics. Any clown can win, obviously, and I have always wanted to be a clown…no offence to clowns by the way.
I’m so scattered right now, as I am sure many of us are. There are real stories, fake stories, real stories about fake stories and fake stories about real ones…if you are not feeling the stress, then you are simply
not AWAKE…Set the alarm!
I will be mother-of-the-groom in a few months. The colors have been chosen and the styles are pretty much up to the individual and I love getting dressed up! However, I have not had any success in finding a lovely dress (and I do want to wear a dress) that will fit this gorgeous round body…so since I still have two months in which to try to lose a few pounds, I have renewed enthusiasm for it (weight loss).
My personality is the type that actually enjoys routine and following guidelines. I think that my recent (well, it’s been about two years) lack of discipline in the food area has caused not only a big weight gain, it has made me feel scattered and quite honestly a bit unhinged. I know that not eating and overeating have their roots in having to be “in control”. I get that it is not healthy to always want to control things but I also realize that the weight gain is a terrible thing for a woman of my height, age and desire to wear some of the pretty clothing currently still hanging in my closet. Decluttering has brought me face-to-face with reality: I will never get back to a size 6 nor do I want to, the food sacrifices were really too much; but a size 12 would be nice and very realistic. It’s funny to realize that when I saw my picture at size 12 I almost fainted, I was so fat! Now at size 18, I long for the days of a slim 12! Gotta keep up a good sense of humor.
I am eager to put together a meal plan for the coming weeks. I know that when I am really motivated, I have tremendous discipline and I hope that coming days and weeks will have me journaling positive things on this blog, just for me.
We are living exciting times. Times that allow us to be thin, fat, gay, straight or in between, to be working moms or stay home working moms…and that means that if I want to be thinner rather than accept the extra, cumbersome fat I carry around my small frame, then I can embrace that part of me too.
image Bing.com public domain picture
I was listening to Alicia Keys yesterday and I felt wonderful when that song was playing!
Maybe enough with the negativity and going back into the past, maybe what I need is to
simply change all the silly voices and enjoy whatever the rest of my life is going to be.
I got a new car today! A gorgeous vehicle that will probably be the last one I buy in my
lifetime; nothing to be sad about, I have a lot of years left in me, God willing but another
brand new car is probably not in my future since it is time to begin to scale down the outings, the expenses, etc.
But for today, it is great and I feel great!!!
I can’t believe another month is upon us…but I bet we all feel that way.
I’ve been doing a fair amount of traveling and not obsessing about my weight which
is actually something quite refreshing. In the meantime, I think I have managed, if not
to lose weight, at least to have it distribute in a more flattering manner. I am feeling
pretty good except for a recent bout with plantar fasciitis but I seem to be getting that
under control as well.
Today is a new day and a new month, may it be grand for us all, wherever we are in our
Wow, it hardly seems possible that almost a month has gone by since my last entry. But that is exactly how life goes, before you know it, the day is gone, the week is gone, the month is gone…well, you get the idea.
What has transpired for me in the last month? A lot of soul searching which usually takes me to the same thoughts, over and over again. I am determined to stop this crazy cycle but before I know it, my thoughts (the same negative ones) invade my space and keep me from doing what I know I need to do in order to: write my book, lose weight, and declutter my beautiful home.
I go away for a week next week and I am very excited. Hopefully this week will find me doing some of the things I know I need to in order to get ready for my adventure. I need to remember to go to the bank, to pay some bills, to get some money, to charge my camera, to launder and press a few outfits to see me through the week and generally to give myself permission to be selfish…in a good way.
Yesterday’s massage made me aware of kinks and pains I did not really pay attention to while attending my dad and husband on their hospital visits. Mindfully aware that all dis-ease begins in the mind, I am also determined to focus more on the things that I need and that keep me sane.
As I write this short blog, I am aware of my husband’s soft snoring on the couch nearby. I am happy that he can rest, his operation has taken the umph out of him and I know that he is too stoic to complain of any pain but I can see clearly that he feels it. I am glad I can minister to his needs, as he so often takes good care of mine!
The above is a loose translation from Spanish that older people use
whenever they are deciding how to react to news of delays, disappointments,
etc. I never really “got” it when I was younger but now that I am 60, I
do find that I understand exactly what it means. If I want to do something,
I’d better get going, there is more time left in the universe than life left
in me…truer words have never been written!
I began this particular blog a year ago with a view that it be private (although
I shared it publicly right from the start) and hold some of my deep feelings
about my inability to lose weight for the last decade or so. I was hoping to
log in and write every single day and while I do have thoughts on the subject
every single day, I have not been successful at sitting and writing here each
My life is about words. As the editor of a monthly community newsletter (a job
that makes me no money but requires a great deal of commitment), I am always
looking around my town for possible sources of interesting material. Most
days, I see a plethora of items but something holds me back (probably the fact
that I don’t follow my own advice “sit in chair and write”) and day after day
I find that I rely on the same old items to keep the magazine going.
Food for thought. Is ADHD my ‘label’? More food for thought.
*image bing.com clipart
My best wishes for all in 2016, let it be the year we know it can be.
For myself, I will put into practice the tips that the many wonderful, positive people
in my life have sent my way.
Minimizing negative rumination will be one of the first goals…just make it
a habit to objectively allow the negative thought to flow out of my mind as
quickly as it came in!
The holidays are approaching (or here!) and celebrations abound everywhere
we look these days. Last night I attended a board meeting for the only
organization that I belong to these days and as a lovely surprise, we were
served a nice dinner for our ‘refreshment’…complete with a small slice
of homemade spice cake. As I sat eating my dinner, I was relieved that I
had not had anything to eat prior to arriving because it would have been
awful to turn down such a special and thoughtful treat, but also because I
would have felt so uncomfortably full and anxious about the extra calories.
Will it ever end, this endless focus on food and weight? During our repast,
I glanced over at one of our colleagues (who has lost a lot of weight in the
past few years) and noticed (unwittingly) that she ate quite a bit and repeated.
I asked myself why I was concerned with it and realized suddenly that I am often
focusing on the behavior or habits of others rather than keeping the focus on
myself. I was embarrassed, glad no one could read my shameful and judgmental
thoughts and promised myself to do better. As I write this now, I am filled
with determination that going forward, I will try to limit myself to paying
attention to what I am putting on my plate only!
A few years ago, I read a(nother!) weight loss book in which the author talked
about how much weight she once gained that forced her to wear one sundress for
many months as it was the only thing that fit her. These days, I am often a little
scared to go into my closet to look for something to wear that won’t pinch or
look tight (we already know I can’t stand to feel tight clothes on me). Naturally,
I get very upset with myself for allowing this to happen, remembering how nice it was
so many years ago to pick anything from the closet without apprehension because all
the clothes in there fit me well.
Those days, I was working a 9 to 5 job, eating regular, low-calorie meals and generally
having my work ‘cut out for me’ on a daily basis because I had more structure in my
life. After I stopped working outside the home and had my children, my habits and
routine changed but I still managed to stay at a healthy weight and felt pretty
good about myself.
These days, I think constantly about what I am putting in my mouth, knowing full
well whether they are good calories or not such good calories and almost challenging
my body to maintain its weight while I overeat! Although I learned early on in my
life that fad diets don’t work for me and rarely try any gimmicks, sometimes I am
tempted to just stop eating for a week and see what happens.
Today, though I decided to be kind to myself and to honor the chubby body that has
been supporting me through thick and thin (sorry about the pun!) instead of being
nasty to it. Yes, I have a muffin top, but nothing hurts me and I am able to do a
lot of things that younger, thinner friends can only dream about. For today, I choose
to be kind to me.
Some days, salad is very appealing…some days, water seems like the perfect
drink. Some days, the appetite is missing but the requirement for nourishment is
present and one must eat. Fortunately I am not attached to any particular type of
food or schedule and feel more relaxed about the ‘fluidity’ of my thinking around
the weight issues these days. So much information is available out there, I think
it is important to figure out the core reason for overeating and that is something
only each individual can discern with real and constant reflection.
For today, I will relax around the house and try to nurture my spirit on this gorgeous