Monthly Archives: April 2019

A week of transformation preparation…

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On Easter Sunday I was invited to a lovely family gathering. It has been a long time since I actually spent Easter here on the East Coast, I have been living in the tropics for almost 20 years! The holidays, like the rest of my “real” life are celebrated differently due to many factors, mostly the culture, climate and availability (or lack thereof) of traditional foods that go with the celebrations. But I digress.

Easter Sunday was fantastic until almost the end of the visit when one of the spouses of the couple hosting decided to take a young friend for a practice drive in the family car. It seemed natural enough to me until I noticed that the wife was washing utensils and metal baking pans in anger. Not realizing what I was getting into, I asked innocently whether our hostess was angry, to which she replied “No, I am just not a gentle person.”

When she said this, her husband glanced in her direction and stood by for a moment while she continued with her chore. I sat back and tried to resume my earlier conversation with another guest when I heard a loud crash as metal pan collided against metal sink. At this, the husband replied “Yes, she is angry” and looked to his wife for an explanation which she did not offer.

No one has to be reminded how it feels to be an unwitting participant in someone else’s argument. What followed left me uncomfortable and worried since this young couple is one of my favorites. I could sense they were in for a long night even as the husband led his friend out to the driveway. Although I wanted to stay out of the fight, I am also often given to self-appointed errands of social work and communication. I asked my questions and the answers from our hostess came quickly: she wasn’t consulted, he doesn’t share any information, he doesn’t trust her, a licensed driver, to go out in his car, how come a young unlicensed driver gets to use “her” car without so much as her permission?

I was speechless but also wise enough (or old enough?) to know that this was just the proverbial straw that broke that camel’s back and not the issue itself. My young friend agreed that communication between them had been lacking lately because their work and family obligations had not allowed sufficient time for them to spend together just contemplating the world, their hopes and aspirations, and their place in it.

A few minutes later, everyone came back (safely) and the husband apologized for his thoughtlessness with as much sincerity as he could given the circumstances. The wife graciously (if somewhat detached) accepted it and after a wonderful dessert, we all packed into the car for our return to the train station to head back home. I worried about my young friends as we made our way home but as in many things, I have learned that one cannot do the work that others must do themselves.

That night I had a dream that I remembered all too clearly the next morning. I told it to my daughter, mentioning that it seemed to be a very clear and detailed account of what is going on psychologically for this couple and in many ways for me personally. It had to do with veneers and the crumbling of walls. I don’t know why I didn’t write it down as I was retelling it. I tried to recall it yesterday and came up with only bits and pieces. I will devote some time today to quiet contemplation in the hopes that I can recall it. Always have a paper and pencil handy a friend tells me, one never knows when these gems will appear. I have rarely been able to remember a dream so I have not invested too much effort in the paper and pencil idea. That is about to change.

I spoke with my young friends yesterday and they have worked out a schedule where they are spending at least one day a week together, recapturing the stage in their marriage when they had less obligations and more time. It is a bit of sunshine in these often dark times. Love is always the answer.

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A good week of healthy eating.

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I am not a vegetarian but the picture of this happy one made me smile and I thought I would add it to today’s blog post.

I have made my way through almost a week of successful healthy eating. I find myself away from home with many fruits, vegetables and single-serve options at my fingertips. This availability of variety makes it so much easier to stay focused and on plan. It has long been my contention that if one has a chef and people to do the every day tasks so one can devote oneself to creating, painting, writing, thinking, there would be no need for dieting. Alas how many of us can really do that? How many of us would really want to? I suppose the novelty would wear off just as it does for everything. That’s life.

My current geographical location is somewhere in the U.S. I know where I am but since I am not sharing that information with every person in my life, I would rather be low key. Suffice it to say that I am enjoying being a bit off the grid for a while while I devote myself to the long-neglected novel I began last November. I am currently procrastinating getting back to it by writing blog entries and reading lots of colorful, entertaining fashion magazines. Who would really wear these outrageous clothes? Let’s be real, who in my circle could really afford them?

I have been examining that whole “secondary gains” idea. I think that one of the secondary gains is that I can now find stylish clothing that fits me whereas in my younger days, anything that fit me was designed for frumpy older women who were not coquettish the way I have always been. In my youth, I had to re-design and sew my own stuff. Now, there are plenty of designers who are smart enough not to turn their noses up at the buying power of that demographic. Not having to spend my time sewing is a secondary gain. Yesterday I went shopping and found a nice pair of (extra-stretchy) jeans that I only had to hem. They were a “perfect” size 16! I chuckle as I write that, what’s “perfect” about a size 16, old me would ask sarcastically? These days, it feels perfect to me. I hemmed them this morning, ironed a complimentary blouse and voila, ready for the day and night. It feels good and if I don’t look great, at least I look presentable and that is no small thing.

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How boring it can be!

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When I was looking for an image to add to this post, I searched “boredom” on bing.com. The first image that caught my eye was this tired, lifeless woman who seems quietly desperate to be elsewhere. The caption reads “souvenir seller”…my goodness, who would buy anything from her? It is the perfect image to add to this post, as I am bored of the same tired subject of weight loss.

I just finished reading a simple, free PDF book by Brooke Castillo called “If I Am So Smart, Why Can’t I Lose Weight?”.  Ms. Castillo is frank about not being a doctor or nutritionist, just a successful entrepreneur who managed to lose 70 lbs. and maintain it. In my book, that lends a lot of credibility to her pitch. I read the book quickly once through as she suggests, and will probably go back and print out the exercises, etc. There are a couple of things in the book that are different from others of its kind. For example, Ms. Castillo does not suggest we get rid of the temptations (junk food) in our cabinets or the scale in our bathroom. She insists they have a place in our life if we are to successfully and once and for all get rid of the excess weight that is keeping us from living our best days.

My “boredom” with everything related to my weight issue is hopefully the beginning of a once and for all permanent weight loss. No matter how long it takes (hopefully not beyond 2019), it is my intention to be rid of the 30 excess pounds on my small frame and never have them coming back to me. Intellectually, I know what to do. It is all about calories in and out. There are thousands of programs out there, for nutrition, for exercise, for inspiration…but everything really has its roots internally. At my age (63), I have read and tried everything. My problem is that I have secondary gains from this weight or I wouldn’t hold on to it.

That is where I am this morning: cogitating the secondary gains. I know they are there and serve some purpose. Today my goal is to be kind to me as I navigate my day from meal to meal. I have just enjoyed a delicious, lovingly prepared squash and cheese omelet, two strips of bacon and one half of an English muffin. I had eaten a banana earlier and I am finishing my second cup of black coffee. This substantial breakfast will hold me for several hours. I can honestly say that I rarely feel real hunger. I snack healthily every couple of hours. My problem comes at night when, after dinner, my husband and I enjoy watching television together and we like to have a cocktail or two and a couple of chocolates. If I reduce what I eat during the day, these “empty but delicious” calories would be no problem. If I increase how much I exercise during the day, the same would be true. But I don’t do either…so my weight either remains the same for weeks on end or (if the indulgence is greater), I gain a pound or two. Like many permanent dieters, I fight with the same few pounds for months at a time.

After childhood obesity, I successfully lost 35 lbs. when I was 19. I maintained that normal weight for decades. A medical emergency in 2000 caused me to gain 6 lbs. in the hospital due to a high calorie diet ordered by my doctor to protect my organs from the strong medication to treat my condition. But 6 lbs. is not 30 lbs. I no longer have any medical conditions (except some knee pain due no doubt to the excess weight) but there has to be some mental reason for this inability to get rid of the weight. I owe it to myself to stop making excuses and delve deep into my psyche. I think this is the big takeaway I got from Brooke Castillo’s book: I owe it to me, no one else is going to do it for me. I can and will succeed.

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