Undiagnosed Mental Health Issues

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I had no idea what kind of pictures would be shown to me when I plugged in Life Success into my browser but I love the above choice. To be perfectly honest, I have never hated anything about me! Fatter or thinner, I have remained the same person all my life. My elder sister (RIP) changed personalities depending on the number on the scale. It sounds bizarre but she admitted that to me a few years before her untimely death.

We were in a Wal-mart in Costa Rica. The perception of the typical Wal-Mart shopper in the U.S. has not translated to the Costa Rican standards. I hope I can explain what I mean. People in Costa Rica shop at Wal-mart mostly because the prices are better, the quality is not bad, the selection of products is superior and the employees are not different at Wal-Mart than they are in other similar (national) stores.

My sister and I sat to have some refreshments (shaved ice, I think). During the time we were there, my sister’s attention was on the other shoppers. I didn’t get upset. I had grown accustomed to being her driver and listener as she absorbed all the sights and sounds of the world she was just entering. It had always been that way. I don’t think she ever noticed that I nodded a lot when we were together, rarely making any comments or initiating a topic of conversation. My (hard) lessons about what I could and could not share with my sister spontaneously were constantly on my mind since the first time she betrayed a confidence as if it were of no importance. I would have enjoyed being closer to her but I just didn’t trust her with my intimate thoughts or the many aspects of my life that would have been fun to share otherwise.

At that time, my sister was dangerously obese. She shared stories of the times when she was fit enough to be a WW leader. She told me about lifting weights at the gym. She confessed that when she was thin, she felt compelled to judge others who were not “fit” and how she actually would be mean or make terrible faces of disgust. When she was heavy, she was kind and empathetic. I absorbed all this information silently, not really knowing what reply was appropriate. I had already been the recipient of her anger when I gently scolded her for humiliating a cashier who gave the wrong change. I did not look forward to any of her negative attention be thrown my way. When my sister died, we had been estranged for more than 3 years. I was not present and I only learned that she was sick a day or two before she passed.

It seems awful to admit but I was relieved when my sister passed away. Our mother had passed away 38 weeks before. It was something of a surprise when my sister died so soon after our mom but in a way it was fitting. She had always resented my birth because I took the focus off her and she never got over it. I have not been able to grieve my sister and that is disturbing to me. After all, for more than 60 years, we did share an existence on this earth that no one else has shared with me.

I recently remarked to my daughter about this fact. My daughter at 27 is more mature than I’ll ever be. She asked me to think about the positive qualities my sister possessed, assuring me that if I looked with a clean heart, I would surely find some. After some musing, I did come up with a few things: my sister was a spontaneous person and it was often surprising to me how much I enjoyed going out on the spur of the moment just to keep her from hounding me. I would not have partaken of many an opportunity to see a new show, or attend a gallery opening, or be the first on the block to try a new restaurant. I promised myself and my daughter that I would seek more examples. Perhaps time will allow me to grieve properly and to also be empathetic to the suffering she had because it should have been clear to me years ago that she was the victim of mental health issues that were never addressed.

WW and NaNoWriMo 2022

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I reached my 25 lb. goal loss on Sunday. I am very pleased. I have also done decently (not word count but at least logging in almost daily) in my efforts at NaNoWriMo. I procrastinate. I know that but while I procrastinate at writing in a focused way for one story at a time, I do other things. Such as run the household and everything that is connected to that. It’s a lot of work. At times, though, it sounds like excuses.

My writing life has never had the priority it should have. Everyone else’s needs have come before mine except I do have to admit that the reason for that is because my most pressing need has been to have peace at all costs. That simply has meant that rather than fight about a dirty house, mountains of laundry, shopping, cooking, etc. I accept that writing has to take a back burner until I have time to devote to it.

I have recently allowed myself the luxury of contemplating my navel as it were. Did the sky fall? Hardly. In fact, I don’t think my husband notices that the floor is swept of debris but not mopped. Not only does he not notice, he couldn’t care less. So what have I been so concerned about? No one comes to visit regularly anymore, everyone has gotten used to the Covid behaviors and I think I am okay with that.

My blogs are all prepared for this week. I even wrote on Medium, a platform I paid for that I hardly use and decided it is not for me. But I won’t bash it because many people are successfully making big bucks. I am content to continue to depend on other revenue streams (my modest social security check and my husband) until a crisis hits, which I don’t anticipate.

In the meantime, WW has changed its program unexpectedly but it won’t affect me very much since I had already been working it in my own style. To me, when one diets (and let’s be honest, that’s the only thing that can make weight loss happen) one must restrict calories in and move more to make calories go out. I’ll think about a mindfully eating lifestyle once I get the weight off. These days, it is looking closer than ever. I feel good, to quote James Brown!

Commitments

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Commitments made and not honored rank high on my list of pet peeves. As it is a pretty long list, the fact that it ranks high is significant. The reality of my own recent inability to fulfill my writing commitments irritates me. Becoming irritated is not going to solve anything at this moment, let’s just let that pass.

I am writing here today because I don’t want the month of October to be over without having at least one blog entry to show for it. My month has been like everyone else’s: filled with some sadness at the limitations we have had to contend with during the last 2 years and the ones that will come up during the next couple of months as we head into 2023.

As I sit and review the 10 months of 2022, I want to make full use of my focus as I sharpen my thinking to discern what actions I need to take to measure up to the goals I had set for myself in the beginning of the year. I have done remarkably well in the priority goal which was to lose 25 lbs. I am at a loss of 24.1 lbs and should certainly reach my first goal before year’s end. I had not fully committed to the WW plan until July when I purchased a brand-new, ultra-modern scale. The initial shock came as I realized that I actually weighed about 7 lbs. more than I had thought. I took my time (and patience) to update all of my data to reflect the new and worrisome truth. Since then, I have done my best to remind myself at each meal what my aspiration was: see where it led me if I didn’t give up. I am glad I followed through. This morning I was very pleased with the number on the scale even though I am still considered “obese” by purely metrical standards. It’s okay. For today, I accept and will continue to follow the program as best I can for optimum results.

I won’t make any promises about the future (regarding my weight or my writing) but I do hope to reach the many of you who continue to support my site.

Another Good Week

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My second weigh-in on my fancy scale did not produce the same impressive results as the first but it was still a loss and I am happy. I have another 4 weeks left before Labor Day, the end of the current challenge I set for myself to lose 6 lbs. I have lost 3.8 so far. I think it is doable if I can stay the course. It has not been that hard, though I do miss the daily bit of whiskey I was having!

I followed the first two weeks of the Mayo Clinic Diet and surprisingly did not read ahead to see what the third week and beyond would require. It gives very little in terms of “guidelines” and is all about lifestyle change rather than diet. Too gentle for me but I am going to continue to be stricter in the hopes my loss will accelerate a bit and I can reach my goal.

When I was “normal” weight all those years ago, I was truly a happy and well-adjusted person. I am not saying that the same is not true today but I confess that I am frustrated by not being able to reach into the closet (yet) and pick out any outfit and be secure that it will fit. I did have some wonderful NSV this past week though. I was able to fit into slacks and blouses that I was ready to pass on to the donation pile. Some of them were favorites. When they actually fit me, I could feel my whole body get a little taller. That is very significant and a wonderful incentive.

Keep following me for more accountability.

The Month of July Vanished

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The curtain is closing on another month. August 1st is tomorrow. Although Friday is the day I am supposed to write in this blog, Friday came and went and I didn’t write. In fact, I have not written in this blog all month, even though I had high expectations and many good intentions.

Good intentions…the road to?

Life is precious. Each morning when I wake up, I remind myself that every new day offers the opportunity to begin anew. These are two thoughts that enter my mind often. I have no excuses and will attempt to get back to my routine (I love routines, frankly) during the month of August. July was filled with intentions but also with concrete accomplishments that had nothing to do with writing but everything to do with my ongoing health ambitions.

I purchased a proper scale during July. It shocked me into realizing my previous scale was off by about 7 lbs. (not in my favor)! I was disappointed to admit just how heavy I am but more than ever determined to stay the course for the rest of the year. I have been slowly losing weight since January…very slowly. The new scale gave me the opportunity to begin anew. I pulled out a Mayo Clinic book I had bought a couple of years ago (never opened) and committed to following their plan for the first two weeks. I was very strict about no sugar, no alcohol, no snacks…I lost 3 lbs. I have never before lost 3 lbs. in one week. I did not starve, was in good spirits, had energy. I will continue with the same plan this week and then read what the advice is for the following weeks.

Although the focus these days is not on the scale, the focus for me has to be and the word “diet” is not a four letter word personally. I like knowing in advance what I am going to eat, it works better for me.

Perhaps in old age, I am finally giving myself permission to honestly admit that I do not enjoy being uncomfortable with tight clothes, when walking up a flight of stairs, etc. If being overweight was healthy, I’d be all for it, but it is not for me and so I call a diet a diet, not a lifestyle change…when I am (again) at my best weight (which is still higher than the recommended weight for my height), then I will implement everything I learned from the discipline into my new lifestyle. Hopefully that will begin in January 2023. Follow me for accountability!

The Scary Truth is Faced!

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I am by no means celebrating the number on the scale today, but I am facing the ugly truth! The weight gain that did not happen during Covid-19 lockdown took place in the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Let’s blame it on the rich cuisine of New Orleans and accept that a lack of discipline and a total enjoyment of the food was the culprit and leave it at that.

WW sent me many reminders in the last 8 months. I ignored them all because I had signed up to the Premium version of MyFitnessPal. I am very happy with the app, logging in my calories/food/exercise/water intake and my weight as honestly as I can. The graph has shown a steady increase but I know it is temporary so I simply take it in stride. After all, I am competing with no one, I am not trying to lose weight for any special occasion and it will be what it is.

A few days ago, WW sent me an offer I simply could not pass up. Come back, it said, and you will pay $15/month if you make a 6-month commitment. Many years ago I would not have needed 6 months to lose the extra weight…alas, this is the reality today, I probably need twice as much time and I will be happy to do it. Every couple of years, WW comes up with a new plan. I am not unhappy with what they are doing and figured I will give it another try. I am not ecstatic about the low points I get to begin with but I am a pretty short gal with a good amount of weight to lose so I just have to suck it up and work around the points as best as I can.

I am going to start “seriously” on Monday January 3rd but see no reason why I should gain any more weight between now and then so I am watching my eating, counting my points/calories and doing what I can to keep motivated and moving. I know the program works and I am excited because these days there are many people who are attempting and sharing new recipes so that we all keep our enthusiasm. I even signed up to a challenge that will go until Valentine’s Day. It is only a short 8 weeks away. Can you believe that? My goal is to lose 10 lbs. by then. Let’s see how I do. I am enjoying reading and seeing other people’s stories, etc. My spirits are high and I am committed to tackling this monster and finally putting an end to this lousy eating journey I’ve put myself through in just the last couple of months.

2022 is literally a day away, let’s all make it a good one.

MyFitnessPal

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On July 18th I read a blog (Cheryl Richardson) that encouraged me to look into the app MyFitnessPal for help with losing weight and getting in shape safely, etc. By this time if you are a regular reader of my blog you are aware that weight issues have plagued me to different degrees my entire life. Although I did have a good 25 years of maintaining an important weight loss, the pounds started have creeping up on me about 20 years ago, and now at age 66 (well, I did start at age 63) I realize that if I want to live to 100 (which I do) I need to lose at least 40 lbs. but I will start with 20! A 40 lb. gain in 20 years works to only 2 lbs. per year but it does add up.

So, on July 18th, I decided that if Ms. Richardson was successful and happy with the app and I have followed her for about 20 years, why not give it a try? The app offers a month free trial which was a mistake for me, I wanted to dive right in with all the premium bells and whistles, that’s how committed I felt. Knowing that I had a month to try it out and possibly change my mind was not a good thing because it kept me kind of in “trial mode”. I gave all my credit card information (a story for another day) and set up my account. I read articles and generally psyched myself up for the trial month but I could tell that my real motivation was not going to kick in until I my card was actually charged which would not be until August 18. It makes no sense to me but I have decided to accept this reality and just move on.

August 18th came along. The money was charged and off we went. I weighed myself and logged all my information but I confess I could not declare my real weight which was difficult for me to accept, I logged 2 kgs. less because in pounds it translated to a number I could more or less accept. These numbers are private, I am not sure how my mind was working. After about six weeks of Intermittent Fasting (IF) plus MyFitnessPal, I still weighed the same as I had logged in. I was so disappointed because I was being “good”. Then I started to think a little deeper and realized that I had in fact lost 2 kgs and was now truly weighing what I originally logged in (which at the time was not true). How silly. I went back to the beginning of my history and changed the numbers to reflect the correct weight I was when I began and the weight I am now, which is 2 kgs (4.4 lbs.) less. I had to face the fact that I had been playing a mind game with myself. I can’t explain why and like the criminal who finally comes clean, I feel so relieved to be working with real numbers.

I had never done that kind of thing before, so self-defeating and stressful. I will continue to monitor my weight daily for a while simply to keep track of where I make my mistakes. I am not concerned so much with dieting now but with actually eating mindfully and accepting the outcome of my behaviors. I have eliminated all alcohol for the time being because I look forward to enjoying a cocktail in the future, perhaps in celebration of renewed reunions once these Covid restrictions go away. It might be some time yet but in the meantime, I can muse on the craziness that goes on in my head when I think about my weight, which didn’t use to be all the time but seems to be now.

I am happy that my weight has never stopped me from enjoying getting dressed and it has never stopped me from participating in a variety of activities during my life. I was able to enjoy life to the fullest the years when I was normal weight and that is good because those were the years when my children were young and people in our circle were very judgmental of the overweight. At age 66, a retired, happily-married empty nester, no one gives me a second glance or thought. It is quite liberating actually, if lonely at times.

Caregiving

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It’s the middle of the afternoon. I look forward to enjoying my cup of coffee and a couple of hours listening to music on the radio while I read. The shrill sound of the landline jolts me and I make the mistake of answering the phone. I hear a woman talking rapidly but I don’t recognize her voice. She is calling for me but I have no idea who I am listening to. Finally she identifies herself, giving me far too many details in her effort to keep me from hanging up the phone. I recognize her name and pay close attention to what she is saying.

Her friend, she says, has an emergency concerning his employment and she is hoping to enlist my help to resolve it. I am mystified that a stranger (not her but her friend) has called on me to do this. Ordinarily, I would have declined, after all I am trying to extricate myself from volunteer work, not add more to my already-full plate. Her voice was desperate so I accepted the challenge. I gave my assessment of the situation and recommended literature that might address and answer the questions she and her friend had. I suggested experts in the field who could help them navigate the many nuances of caregiving an elderly person. Promptly after we hung up, my husband and I went out for the evening.

We returned home to find numerous messages on the answering machine. In addition I had some notifications on my cell phone but since I had turned the volume down low while we were out, I was thankfully saved from dealing with stress on our evening out. I listened and answered the messages with a short one of my own: “I had a couple of glasses of wine, I will reach out to you in the morning.”

Morning came and true to my word, I returned the calls. I committed to spending time with the caregiver and his employer and after about an hour of negotiating, both sides agreed to the terms of his employment. When asked what my compensation should be for said resolution, I asked both sides if they were happy with the outcome. When the answer was affirmative I replied that that was my compensation and I meant it. I made my way back home with a smile on my face and a heart filled with satisfaction. While it is not employment that I would like to have too often in the future, I admit that it felt good to see that my communication skills continue to be useful and occasionally needed.

My Thoughts for Today

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Through no fault of my own my WW subscription has been cancelled. Let me explain. I live a short part of the year in the U.S. and the remaining part in the tropics. I have credit/debit cards in both places but I needed to have my WW subscription in the U.S. because WW doesn’t work in the tropical country where I live. All has been going well for the +3 years that I have been on the program. Well, as far as the finances that is. I can’t say I have lost as much weight as I wanted or that I held on to the enthusiasm of the beginning but that is on me for the most part.

A few months ago, my bank informed me that it was merging with another bank. Then a couple of weeks ago, I was notified that changes in the bank would require changes in the debit card associated with my account and they mailed me a new card that needed activation. I have been thinking long and hard about whether there are benefits to continue to be part of WW since I’ve really become complacent with ‘maintenance’ (happy not to have gained during Covid-19!) and recently attempted (with some success) Intermittent Fasting (IF). I really couldn’t decide.

At my age (65) the weight loss is not so much a vanity issue as it is about all the diseases and ailments that are most often associated with being overweight. I kept going back and forth. Last week, the bank informed me that I needed to let any vendors automatically debiting the card about the changes. As luck would have it, I am not able to get my mail until I return to NY later in the year or when my children come see me in the summer. I know that sometimes vendors are able to continue to use an expired card for a while so I decided the “universe” would decide for me. If the card was approved, continue. If it was declined, then quit WW, continue the IF and really really make peace with both my weight, my body and my responsibility to myself. The card was declined.

When WW informed me that they had trouble with the card and that I should look into it, I knew what to do. I logged into my account and chose “unsubscribe”. WW did not want to let me go. Is it a financial thing? Yes, in a way it was. They offered 50% off for 3 months. I declined. Would I like to switch to another plan, a more reasonably priced one? I declined. There was a third option that I can’t recall right now but I declined that one as well.

I absolutely believe in WW. I know the program works because I was successful each and every time (3) that I have joined and done the work. I really enjoy the structure and the community feeling and the knowledge and science behind everything they do. Oprah has done a marvelous job with educating her public about the benefits of looking at WW as more of a wellness company than a weight loss one. I vacillate so much between my desires that my opinion no longer counts even to me. I think that for the moment, not being able to renew my membership, saving myself almost $300 is a good thing. At first l felt a little bad leaving then I had to laugh at myself…I mean nothing to WW! It’s not like I’m Oprah!

For today, I choose not to be afraid of calories. For today, I choose to see the beauty in my short, round, healthy frame. For today, I choose to be grateful for all the things my body does without my even being aware of what goes on to make sure I live a good, painless day. For today, that is more than enough.

So Many Options!

Today is Good Friday, the holiest day of the Christian calendar. I am not an overly religious person but it is hard for me not to observe this day. When I worked, it was the only day that I ever took off without feeling any guilt whatsoever. For me, not taking the day off would have led to extreme distress because it is one of those days that I was taught in childhood was reserved for fasting, praying and meditation.

I have been working on reducing my waistline for the last 3 years or so. The first year was pretty good, I managed to lose about 25 lbs. Then I don’t recall what happened but I sort of fell of the wagon (but continued my digital membership with WW) gaining about 10 lbs. back. Thank goodness I have been able to maintain my weight and not gain any more back. In the year 2020, gaining weight was what everyone did. I maintained and actually began to research other diets. I motivate myself on a daily (almost hourly) basis. I have recently begun intermittent fasting (IF) and can honestly see a difference already. One of the discoveries I have made is that I often eat or snack because I consult the clock and realize it’s lunchtime or coffee break time. It is not necessarily that I am hungry. With the IF, there is a sense of freedom because long fasting stretches are the goal and I love having goals that are reachable.

I am happy that I don’t get hungry and that over the many years of dieting, I have curbed the habit of grazing all day. It is no small thing. I know of people who simply cannot enter their kitchen without grabbing something on the way out. When our children were young (and I enjoyed normal weight for my height) I was neutral about food. Nothing was “bad” or off-limits. If they felt like having ice cream for breakfast, that was fine with me. They were pretty reasonable about their “diets”, enjoying normal weight until I enrolled them in an “American” school that served pretty greasy lunches and had many snack dispensers available throughout the building.

My children had never seen such bounty, the school they had attended prior to that focused on healthy meals and snacks, meaning fruits and whole grains. It was impossible to fight the “peer” pressure and unfortunately the pounds quickly added up, not to mention cavities. Our stay at that school was only two years, not because of the food but because of other things, like corruption at the highest levels. After that we homeschooled and that got us back to more healthy foods and learning all about nutrition, health and exercise. I am happy for those years and from what I can see, they are as well.

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