My daughter thanked me the other day because she felt that she and her
siblings are ‘parental trauma-free’…I am not sure that I agree with this assessment
but I am grateful that she can see us in this manner. It is no small thing.
I have lots of trauma, not only inflicted by parents (mom mostly, isn’t that always the
case?) but also followed up by an older sibling, multiple intrusive aunts and
the nuns, always the nuns! It takes a lot of discipline not to fall back onto old
habits of feeling like what I do doesn’t matter, not being good enough, smart enough,
pretty enough, thin enough…why in the world would relatives/teachers/mentors/bosses
not want to be nice and loving towards the people in their life who could profit
from them instead of fearing them? Where is it written that because you weren’t treated
nicely, you somehow had a license to be nasty to everyone?
My life has been pretty good for the most part. This year has been a little harder than
other years because I have lost a lot of loved ones and other people I knew and admired.
I have allowed myself to grieve longer and more openly than in other years. Perhaps the
fact that I am older is making me realize I’ve lived longer than I will live and it is
making me feel a sense of urgency to complete tasks and projects, which at the same time
has brought an unexplainable paralysis which keeps me stuck in an unpleasant place.
I believe that all thoughts are energy. I know it is so and yet, even though I know
better, I have allowed myself to veer into a path of negativity which does not serve
me. I want to find a way to be kind and not rehash the many disapproving comments
I remember from years ago which I still allow to hurt me. Patience and kindness to
me first and foremost.