Monthly Archives: November 2015

Parental trauma

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My daughter thanked me the other day because she felt that she and her
siblings are ‘parental trauma-free’…I am not sure that I agree with this assessment
but I am grateful that she can see us in this manner. It is no small thing.

I have lots of trauma, not only inflicted by parents (mom mostly, isn’t that always the
case?) but also followed up by an older sibling, multiple intrusive aunts and
the nuns, always the nuns! It takes a lot of discipline not to fall back onto old
habits of feeling like what I do doesn’t matter, not being good enough, smart enough,
pretty enough, thin enough…why in the world would relatives/teachers/mentors/bosses
not want to be nice and loving towards the people in their life who could profit
from them instead of fearing them? Where is it written that because you weren’t treated
nicely, you somehow had a license to be nasty to everyone?

My life has been pretty good for the most part. This year has been a little harder than
other years because I have lost a lot of loved ones and other people I knew and admired.
I have allowed myself to grieve longer and more openly than in other years. Perhaps the
fact that I am older is making me realize I’ve lived longer than I will live and it is
making me feel a sense of urgency to complete tasks and projects, which at the same time
has brought an unexplainable paralysis which keeps me stuck in an unpleasant place.

I believe that all thoughts are energy. I know it is so and yet, even though I know
better, I have allowed myself to veer into a path of negativity which does not serve
me. I want to find a way to be kind and not rehash the many disapproving comments
I remember from years ago which I still allow to hurt me. Patience and kindness to
me first and foremost.

Black Friday!

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Not sure how this madness of spending an entire day shopping after Thanksgiving
started but it is certainly not in my list of ‘to do’ things.

Today, I feel very good. I am happy that I did not spend the day yesterday
cooking and worrying about what I was putting in my mouth. I actually did not
cook for the first time in probably 40 years and it felt good to spend the
day doing something a little different.

I hope I can continue to feel more energized and happy with my current circumstances.

Thanksgiving musings

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In 1986, I shared an apartment and living expenses with a woman who was a
compulsive overeater. By that time, I had been able to maintain a normal weight
for over 10 years. I did not own a scale because I could tell by the way my
clothes fit me when I had gained a few pounds and quickly (and healthily) lost
the weight so that I could look and feel my best, which has always been very
important to me, no matter what my weight.

Since the idea of sharing expenses included groceries, we usually did our food
shopping together. I always reached for the skim milk, the yogurts, the fruits,
the vegetables (faithful weight watcher follower even then) but somehow our
cupboards were always filled with cookies and other junk food which I never would
have stocked in my apartment if I were living alone. If I wanted those things, I
would purchase a single serving while out of the house rather than have the temptation
permanently brought in.

I am not sure what prompted me to become lax in my eating habits. Perhaps watching
her eat all the time, and knowing that I had contributed my money to the purchase
made me reluctant not to eat some of it, so I indulged. Years of dieting had by
this time made my metabolism very slow and my weight began an upward climb that
alarmed me and made me uncomfortable because I had a closet filled with nice
clothes in small sizes that I had worked hard to maintain. I was merciless with
myself, angry that I was doing this but unable to stop because I felt that I did
not want my apartment mate to feel like I was ‘superior’ because I could exercise
self-control. Since I had no scale, I never knew how much weight I gained in that
year but it was probably close to 20 lbs. I refused to buy new clothes, so every-
thing felt tight and disgusting and I had that dreaded ‘muffin’ top for a long time.

People who have problems in one area often have problems in other areas of their lives
and my apartment mate was unable to keep her commitment of a 2-year lease and left me
stranded after one year. Twenty-nine years of hindsight have allowed me to come to a
point in my life (today) where I can be grateful for what happened afterwards. I was
forced to move to a smaller, affordable apartment and gradually resumed my healthy
eating habits until I reached my normal, comfortable weight again. I maintained that
weight until about 10 years ago when I used the pretext of life and its challenges
to eat rather mindlessly and put on 2 to 3 pounds per year. That doesn’t sound like
much until you multiply by 10 and realize it’s 20-30 lbs.

The pictures don’t lie. I used to love to have my picture taken, mostly thinking of
my kids and how important it is for them to have pictures of their parents. I still
allow my picture to be taken, and often, but I usually don’t look at them. When I do,
I don’t recognize the person in the pictures as me, I have not come to terms with this
new size…I have a battle with my scale every single day (why have I not gotten rid of it?)…

But today, I found a lovely pair of slacks that fit me, a simple but elegant blouse and
I am making an effort to show myself the kindness I would offer someone else if they
confessed that they felt bad about gaining weight. I would say to them, “So, you gained
a little weight. What’s the big deal? Take control of the eating and soon you will
fit into those other clothes again.” For this wisdom, I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Time to hit “refresh” in life!

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healthy-salad

I have been indulging in a bit of a blue funk the last couple of weeks
and I really don’t like it.

It has been a hard year emotionally, more than the last two others. I
have spent the last several years remarking on the sad events in my life
and perhaps I am now living the consequences of my own negative energy.
The thing is that I have to ‘be there’ for people and I can usually rise
to the occasion when I need to but I am later left feeling a little
empty, sad, and like a complete fraud!

I am not a fraud, I can usually see the bright side and I wonder if
what is happening to me right now is that I am not allowing myself enough
time and space to grieve my losses. They have been many, and they have
been profound.

It is time to harness some discipline and regain the buoyancy that I and
others expect from me. Life is hard enough.

Let’s all have a good Thanksgiving week being thankful for all the wonders
of our lives.

Take the tags off? Why?

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fat acceptance

It’s been a whole week or more since my last post. I write every single day,
just not always get to post things.

Anyway, this past week, a cousin of mine sent me pictures of our family many
years ago. I was filled with nostalgia for the easy days of childhood.
I looked at the pictures of my mom when she was about 20 years old. She was
a beauty, no signs of the (large) person she would turn into as the years went by.

My mom experienced extreme poverty in her childhood and this affected her terribly.
She barely had enough food in her youth, so when she became a working adult and
could eat as much as she wanted, she did. This naturally led to her becoming fat
and rather sloppy in her dress since she always thought she would eventually lose
the weight so she never bought clothing that fit her properly. I am obese right
now but I cannot stand wearing tight clothes, so I do purchase nice clothing in
whatever size I am (currently 16!). I do look forward to fitting into slimmer
clothing one day but I have begun to go through my closet with a view of clearing
out things that I know I will never fit into again (size 4?, doubt it!).

The other day, I visited my parents’ home and found many lovely outfits that my
mother can no longer wear (bedridden). I took a closer look so that I could see
if anything would fit me but discovered that my mother had taken scissors and cut
out all the labels. I don’t know why she did it really, the label being gone does
not make one a smaller or larger size. I did the best I could with eyeballing!

It is sad to me to realize that I am just as caught up in the size thing as she
was…I long for freedom, not from diets or from food but from the judgmental
attitude that I have towards myself each time I reach for food.

image bing.com public domain

Music as muse?

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As crazy as my life has been the last couple of years, I am not sure how sane it was
to think I could do the Nanowrimo this year…but there you have it, I actually did begin
something. Now though, life is getting in the way more than usual and I am at a loss as to
where and how to restart a story I began two years ago. I am sure that back then I knew
exactly where I was headed, now I am not so sure.

Lots of people write good stories, compelling ones that keep us turning page after page.
I don’t really know what made me think I had a cute story to tell, I can’t seem to write
anything at all today.

It is Monday. I did have a busy weekend. I am not at a location where it is easy to
get inspired and I never really considered what a blessing my usual location has been
for gathering material together and putting words on paper. Where I am now is a busy
city where there is lots of traffic and noise of all kinds. Day and night seem to have
no real segregation, people are doing things at all hours.

What music inspires me to write? At the moment, I cannot even decide if reggae, salsa,
classical or jazz is my muse. I guess it’s another delay tactic of my not so sub-conscious!

Another week begins

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It’s hard to believe that the week has gone and I barely wrote 1700 words. Life
and hospitalization (for a relative) got in the way. and now of course, I am not
where I usually am to write and the interruptions and disturbances of outside
forces (horns, barking, music, just life in general!) are putting me behind as
well.

I will try to get into a better frame of mind. Although I have not written for my
novel, I have spent the days doing all other writing and I guess I should keep that in
mind and go gentle on myself.

Best wishes to us all for a great week.

Let’s get started!

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I blog once a week without fail. On this blog, however, I try to write a little something
every day which has been a challenge because I often forget my commitment!

I have already been at work since about 8 a.m. and I have produced and translated my
Sunday blog but today is November 1st and it is the beginning of Nanowrimo…I feel
like I’ve already written for today but of course, it is not for my 50,000 word
novel…let’s see what the rest of the day brings. I have a busy one, and not just
for writing, life can get in the way.

Best to all!