I had no idea what kind of pictures would be shown to me when I plugged in Life Success into my browser but I love the above choice. To be perfectly honest, I have never hated anything about me! Fatter or thinner, I have remained the same person all my life. My elder sister (RIP) changed personalities depending on the number on the scale. It sounds bizarre but she admitted that to me a few years before her untimely death.
We were in a Wal-mart in Costa Rica. The perception of the typical Wal-Mart shopper in the U.S. has not translated to the Costa Rican standards. I hope I can explain what I mean. People in Costa Rica shop at Wal-mart mostly because the prices are better, the quality is not bad, the selection of products is superior and the employees are not different at Wal-Mart than they are in other similar (national) stores.
My sister and I sat to have some refreshments (shaved ice, I think). During the time we were there, my sister’s attention was on the other shoppers. I didn’t get upset. I had grown accustomed to being her driver and listener as she absorbed all the sights and sounds of the world she was just entering. It had always been that way. I don’t think she ever noticed that I nodded a lot when we were together, rarely making any comments or initiating a topic of conversation. My (hard) lessons about what I could and could not share with my sister spontaneously were constantly on my mind since the first time she betrayed a confidence as if it were of no importance. I would have enjoyed being closer to her but I just didn’t trust her with my intimate thoughts or the many aspects of my life that would have been fun to share otherwise.
At that time, my sister was dangerously obese. She shared stories of the times when she was fit enough to be a WW leader. She told me about lifting weights at the gym. She confessed that when she was thin, she felt compelled to judge others who were not “fit” and how she actually would be mean or make terrible faces of disgust. When she was heavy, she was kind and empathetic. I absorbed all this information silently, not really knowing what reply was appropriate. I had already been the recipient of her anger when I gently scolded her for humiliating a cashier who gave the wrong change. I did not look forward to any of her negative attention be thrown my way. When my sister died, we had been estranged for more than 3 years. I was not present and I only learned that she was sick a day or two before she passed.
It seems awful to admit but I was relieved when my sister passed away. Our mother had passed away 38 weeks before. It was something of a surprise when my sister died so soon after our mom but in a way it was fitting. She had always resented my birth because I took the focus off her and she never got over it. I have not been able to grieve my sister and that is disturbing to me. After all, for more than 60 years, we did share an existence on this earth that no one else has shared with me.
I recently remarked to my daughter about this fact. My daughter at 27 is more mature than I’ll ever be. She asked me to think about the positive qualities my sister possessed, assuring me that if I looked with a clean heart, I would surely find some. After some musing, I did come up with a few things: my sister was a spontaneous person and it was often surprising to me how much I enjoyed going out on the spur of the moment just to keep her from hounding me. I would not have partaken of many an opportunity to see a new show, or attend a gallery opening, or be the first on the block to try a new restaurant. I promised myself and my daughter that I would seek more examples. Perhaps time will allow me to grieve properly and to also be empathetic to the suffering she had because it should have been clear to me years ago that she was the victim of mental health issues that were never addressed.
Always on My Mind 