My Sense of Humor’s Gone Missing

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Can I get a laugh please?

When I think of the thing that brings me the most satisfaction in my life, I think of the unsolicited laughter that erupts when I am unaware that other people are listening to a conversation I might be having with just one other person. I will be earnestly unfolding a story, complete with the facial expressions and hand gestures that are such a part of our family, when suddenly I hear laughter from a different part of the room. The spontaneity (mine) that caused the laughter is lost immediately. I try to recapture it by acknowledging the response and continuing the story but now I am anxious, self-consciously aware that I had been under scrutiny just minutes before. It is one thing to rehearse and then pitch a comedy routine in a Stand-Up environment, one knows the material. It is very different to suddenly find yourself in a spotlight you had not realized you walked into. My internal controls actually get angry with the person as I mentally ask “how dare you eavesdrop?”

Life is very challenging these first quiet days of January. My mother’s anniversary (4th) of passing was a couple of days ago, my beloved grandmother’s 48th anniversary of passing is today. I think of both of them every day, missing each for a different reason. My mother was a very serious person, my grandmother was a (not professional) comedian. Whereas Mom found few things to laugh about, Grandma looked for the joke in everything. My father, her son, inherited that quality. My mother died at age 88, my Dad at 93 seems to be getting younger and stronger by the day. I used to be funnier, more irreverent, immature. I think these days it is very difficult to find humor in anything. Even self-deprecating humor has lost its audience. Jokes about weight, stereotyping the in-laws or the awful cook one has in a mate are taboo. Honestly, there is nothing left.

I am feeling this way today and I know it is a temporary situation; I don’t like to stay long in places I don’t feel good in but still there it is. I have a suspicion that the Stand-Up routine I was planning on fantasizing about writing and delivering is just not going to happen. At least not anytime soon. In the meantime though, I will make every effort to extract a little bit of joy and fun for what’s left of the day. Writing, even when it doesn’t exactly flow in the direction I want is still something I enjoy doing.

The Scary Truth is Faced!

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I am by no means celebrating the number on the scale today, but I am facing the ugly truth! The weight gain that did not happen during Covid-19 lockdown took place in the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Let’s blame it on the rich cuisine of New Orleans and accept that a lack of discipline and a total enjoyment of the food was the culprit and leave it at that.

WW sent me many reminders in the last 8 months. I ignored them all because I had signed up to the Premium version of MyFitnessPal. I am very happy with the app, logging in my calories/food/exercise/water intake and my weight as honestly as I can. The graph has shown a steady increase but I know it is temporary so I simply take it in stride. After all, I am competing with no one, I am not trying to lose weight for any special occasion and it will be what it is.

A few days ago, WW sent me an offer I simply could not pass up. Come back, it said, and you will pay $15/month if you make a 6-month commitment. Many years ago I would not have needed 6 months to lose the extra weight…alas, this is the reality today, I probably need twice as much time and I will be happy to do it. Every couple of years, WW comes up with a new plan. I am not unhappy with what they are doing and figured I will give it another try. I am not ecstatic about the low points I get to begin with but I am a pretty short gal with a good amount of weight to lose so I just have to suck it up and work around the points as best as I can.

I am going to start “seriously” on Monday January 3rd but see no reason why I should gain any more weight between now and then so I am watching my eating, counting my points/calories and doing what I can to keep motivated and moving. I know the program works and I am excited because these days there are many people who are attempting and sharing new recipes so that we all keep our enthusiasm. I even signed up to a challenge that will go until Valentine’s Day. It is only a short 8 weeks away. Can you believe that? My goal is to lose 10 lbs. by then. Let’s see how I do. I am enjoying reading and seeing other people’s stories, etc. My spirits are high and I am committed to tackling this monster and finally putting an end to this lousy eating journey I’ve put myself through in just the last couple of months.

2022 is literally a day away, let’s all make it a good one.

Always Something New to Learn

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I never wanted to teach anybody anything. I was plucked from my birthplace to another country and a completely different world opened up. That world included learning a new language, understanding a new culture and finding a place to fit in. It was not easy. Fortunately I was young enough to become fluent in English in just a few months, albeit at the expense of my native language which I had to relearn years later. But that is a blog for another day. Due to my being a pretty smart kid who had been taught manners, my teachers saw that I could be counted on to take on responsibility after responsibility without complaint. For them, it was a great relief. For me, it was an ego boost although I was not sophisticated enough at that time to recognize it as that. The problem with ego boosting, though, is that it can become a double-edged sword as one becomes unable to say No and therefore commits time that has to be taken away from other activities. In my case, I enjoyed reading and writing but having been “volunteered” by my teachers to be an after-school tutor to kids who were behind in math or reading was really a burden that I would not have chosen for myself. I don’t know if my parents ever knew that I was engaging in this tutoring, being a latchkey kid had some benefits, one of them being the owner of my time, that is unless I was being volunteered for stuff.

Some afternoons I tutored an 8 year old boy who couldn’t read at the level expected from a 3rd grader. We met once or twice a week for a while. We used simple books with short sentences that he struggled through. I will never forget the first time he was able to read a sentence without my help. My face must have reflected the absolute joy I felt then, knowing that his success was my success. I helped others like him and it always brought me much satisfaction because teaching somebody to read is the absolutely best way to help them navigate life. Although I also tutored math, it wasn’t as satisfying. A person can go for days without using any math, but try to go for even a few hours without needing to read something, it’s almost impossible.

My life story has been pretty varied and busy. I am now a retired person with lots of interests and as I get older I have managed to extricate myself from the many volunteering activities I once engaged in. I feel very good about it even though I admit that not being as connected to the community as I once was is a little disconcerting at times. I feel as if the world has gone on without me. It has and it should. This morning, I was contacted by a person who was unaware that I have truly retired. She asked me for some advice concerning a donation she wanted to make. I did reply but I also reminded her (in case she didn’t know) that I was no longer as active in things and that she should probably not count on me solely about things in town. I was surprised when she said she considered me a mentor and that she had learned a lot and hoped to learn more from me as we continue to reside in the same town! That “ego” thing surfaced before I could slap it down; I accepted the compliment gracefully. Then I added that I never sought to be a mentor and to please not think of me that way. I am just trying to live my life, same as we all are, same as I was all those years ago, though I admit that it does feel good to have a positive impact on someone else’s life. I am grateful I was able to help so many in small and big ways during my lifetime.

It’s Friday!

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The weekend is here again. I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I have had a good week but it has been a very busy one and I feel that my writing has not advanced as it might have.

I am once again participating in NaNoWriMo but much to my dismay, I have spent a lot of hours concentrating on the spider webs and the gecko droppings that I can’t seem to ignore. In my defense, I have no household help and do hold myself accountable for the state of my home because I don’t think my writing should be so all-engrossing as to ignore housework. It does not feel like punishment, but a mess would. I do everything myself, concentrating in just a section at a time but by the time I sit down to write in my novel, it is close to dinner time.

For today, I will keep my post short so I can get back to the novel. I can write for about one hour. Since I have a good idea where my story is going, the writing should come easier. I will let you know next time!

Have a great weekend everyone, thanks for visiting.

2022 Approaches

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It is unreal each Friday how quickly the week has passed. Mondays are very busy days for me, they are a total contrast from the “boring”, quiet Sundays that have become the norm in my life. I made my Mondays the day that I schedule to do a huge amount of domestic chores. It has been that way ever since my children were born (30 years!) because as a stay-at-home mom, I knew there was an immense danger of becoming glued to the television and waiting until the weekend to do laundry, etc. I didn’t think it was fair to my husband whose generosity (and good income) made it possible for me to stay home (my choice) to ask him to help with laundry when we should be spending the weekends enjoying family time.

I remember looking around on Mondays in the laundry room of our apartment complex and realizing that no one did laundry on Mondays. Since I was completely against hiring household help or letting anyone take care of my infant son, I took him everywhere. I like to remember my children as perfect angels who never cried in public or made scenes begging for those highly visible, enticing goodies that were displayed at the cash register. Alas, I know they were really well-behaved but it would be untrue to say that they never, ever embarrassed me. I sympathize with parents everywhere, especially those suffering confinement in Covid times. Better days are coming and if the numbers in my neighborhood are any indication, they are coming soon!

As an older mother, I was more inclined to be patient and explain everything to death in that condescending way we have when talking to someone who isn’t quite as savvy as we are. Every once in a while, a young person will try to explain something to me using that very tactic and I admit it does not make me feel good. I notice it whenever I take my computer or printer or phone for repairs or to purchase supporting hardware. In their defense, I am old (66) and I don’t look the part of the technological expert that I have (honestly) always been. Technology fascinates me, it rarely stumps me but the kids selling computer things don’t know that and are usually quite taken aback when I easily go from one app to another without losing a phone connection. If I weren’t so busy trying to get back to the job I want done, I would probably enjoy the experience. But I digress.

I am truly retired now. My commitments to the community all concluded and as much as people said they would miss me and would not be able to get on without me, they seem to have forgotten my very existence. It has been about 4 months and not a single one of my colleagues has even checked in with me. I used to have a monthly e-publication that I stopped publishing 4 years ago. When I am out and about and people see me, they will come and say hello and add “We really miss the publication, you should start it up again.” My ego bursts with pride and my crazy mind latches on to the possibility of getting back into it. Then I look at my husband’s face and smile at the absurdity of such a thought. He witnessed what it took for me to publish the magazine, celebrating when it was over and I could relax all the days of the month. Between then and now, I have had closure on many more projects. Now I want to devote myself fully to my writing which I am happy to say I have been able to do more frequently. I have five blogs that I am committed to writing in weekly. I don’t always make it, but I make it most weeks. My modest subscriber list is growing and knowing that I am reaching people from all over the world truly makes me happy.

Chores will always be there, they can be done any day of the week when one is retired but I am very comfortable with a scheduled routine that allows me to work like crazy one full day in the week and then take my time doing everything else I want the other 6 days. I have been a very fortunate person and I don’t take that fact for granted any day of the week.

MyFitnessPal

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On July 18th I read a blog (Cheryl Richardson) that encouraged me to look into the app MyFitnessPal for help with losing weight and getting in shape safely, etc. By this time if you are a regular reader of my blog you are aware that weight issues have plagued me to different degrees my entire life. Although I did have a good 25 years of maintaining an important weight loss, the pounds started have creeping up on me about 20 years ago, and now at age 66 (well, I did start at age 63) I realize that if I want to live to 100 (which I do) I need to lose at least 40 lbs. but I will start with 20! A 40 lb. gain in 20 years works to only 2 lbs. per year but it does add up.

So, on July 18th, I decided that if Ms. Richardson was successful and happy with the app and I have followed her for about 20 years, why not give it a try? The app offers a month free trial which was a mistake for me, I wanted to dive right in with all the premium bells and whistles, that’s how committed I felt. Knowing that I had a month to try it out and possibly change my mind was not a good thing because it kept me kind of in “trial mode”. I gave all my credit card information (a story for another day) and set up my account. I read articles and generally psyched myself up for the trial month but I could tell that my real motivation was not going to kick in until I my card was actually charged which would not be until August 18. It makes no sense to me but I have decided to accept this reality and just move on.

August 18th came along. The money was charged and off we went. I weighed myself and logged all my information but I confess I could not declare my real weight which was difficult for me to accept, I logged 2 kgs. less because in pounds it translated to a number I could more or less accept. These numbers are private, I am not sure how my mind was working. After about six weeks of Intermittent Fasting (IF) plus MyFitnessPal, I still weighed the same as I had logged in. I was so disappointed because I was being “good”. Then I started to think a little deeper and realized that I had in fact lost 2 kgs and was now truly weighing what I originally logged in (which at the time was not true). How silly. I went back to the beginning of my history and changed the numbers to reflect the correct weight I was when I began and the weight I am now, which is 2 kgs (4.4 lbs.) less. I had to face the fact that I had been playing a mind game with myself. I can’t explain why and like the criminal who finally comes clean, I feel so relieved to be working with real numbers.

I had never done that kind of thing before, so self-defeating and stressful. I will continue to monitor my weight daily for a while simply to keep track of where I make my mistakes. I am not concerned so much with dieting now but with actually eating mindfully and accepting the outcome of my behaviors. I have eliminated all alcohol for the time being because I look forward to enjoying a cocktail in the future, perhaps in celebration of renewed reunions once these Covid restrictions go away. It might be some time yet but in the meantime, I can muse on the craziness that goes on in my head when I think about my weight, which didn’t use to be all the time but seems to be now.

I am happy that my weight has never stopped me from enjoying getting dressed and it has never stopped me from participating in a variety of activities during my life. I was able to enjoy life to the fullest the years when I was normal weight and that is good because those were the years when my children were young and people in our circle were very judgmental of the overweight. At age 66, a retired, happily-married empty nester, no one gives me a second glance or thought. It is quite liberating actually, if lonely at times.

Too Much Content Out There…

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I love to read and I love to write. My problem is that there is just so much out there that is interesting, innovative, informative, and well-written that I simply have trouble narrowing down the topics I want to educate myself on. It is amazing how much we take in on a daily basis. What must it have been like for people 100 years ago when things were going on in the world but they knew nothing about it? Were they frustrated? Did they even have time to think about it since their lives were often so drug-work filled?

100 years sounds like a long time, but my father is almost 93 years old and still has plenty of miles left on him. I look at pictures of Costa Rica from 100 years ago and I am shocked at how much progress had already happened at a time when the world was suffering from the Spanish flu. I mean there are pictures and everything. I guess I have never credited CR for being so “modern” despite how isolated we were from the rest of the world. When I lived here in 1973, most households didn’t even have a telephone! The modernization came suddenly 15 years later and has not stopped since. We are now entertaining the reality of 5G networks and hoping to attract nomad workers to our country in an effort to help our always-in-jeopardy economy. Time will tell whether or not this is a good idea. I feel that our “culture” is changing and not always in positive ways but the powers that be (in the entire world) seem to think they know better and hold the positions that make major decisions.

Garrison Keillor is one of my favorite personalities. I read a lot of his material and when I do, I find myself nodding in agreement even though I am not 79 years old, white, male, or famous. He has a way of constructing sentences that concisely describe my current conditions. Today for example I read a recent column where he expands on today’s personal freedoms (gender choice, hair colors, tattoos, etc.) in comparison with what was going on back in his day when tattoos were the hallmark of carnival ride operators and the like. I shake my head wishing I could come up with sentences that read so easily, that really address the issues of the day in a way that is humorous, a little cynical perhaps but are right on target. As a writer, I know that sentences that read easily are often the result of many edits. My writing is taking a back seat to other things right now and I don’t feel good about that but I hope that I, too, still have many decades ahead of me that I can devote to my passion.

Notifications!

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If you’re here then you know that I talk about dieting a lot. Last week I shared that I have joined My Fitness Pal Premium and I am also paying for an Intermittent Fasting App. I am reminded every day that WW wants me back and they are constantly throwing really good offers my way. For now, I have decided just to use common sense, to increase movements, pay attention to calorie and portion size but generally be non-judgmental about what I am eating and definitely accept myself, flaws and all.

I am not a friend of “notifications” but when it comes to success in both the apps mentioned above, I see that there is a definite benefit that comes with these gentle reminders. Prior to letting the notifications happen, the app might believe that I had not eaten in three days because I forgot to hit the “start fast” and “end fast” buttons on the app. In one case, it really was alarmed and told me that severe health problems could result from not eating for 72 hours. I was hilarious that night because while I can comfortably manage 12 hours, 72 hours would not be possible.

I am talking myself into loving the tracking. It is amazing just how complete the list of products available in the app is. I believe I will have a nice measure of success with this particular app because aside from calories, it lists nutritional aspects that fascinate and educate me. It also predicts how long it might take to lose X amount of weight based on the items that one is recording each day. We shall see whether this will lead to my permanent success with my weight. In the meantime, I thank my body for doing its thing in the background. I feel good, I feel committed and my clothes are starting to feel just a little bit loser. All in my head perhaps, but there it is.

A Different Perspective

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A strange thing happened when I started writing today. I had decided that I would search for a picture that had some sort of abstract design and when I went to the image search, the word “pattern” was already there. I clicked and the first option was the one above. Funny coincidence…if there is such a thing…

I used to spend a lot of time when I was bored in my classes making the exact same kind of diagram depicted. It is not easy to make that curve out of straight lines but I painstakingly measured and then drew my lines, always marveling at how the curve eventually made itself clear. It used to remind me that sometimes things were not what they appeared. I used to get all philosophical about it. I am very surprised that no teacher ever caught me doodling while they were talking away, perhaps they were bored with their work too and just let it go.

I am feeling a bit fat today. I am a fat, there is no denying that. I have signed up for a couple of new things to get myself excited about logging food again and cooking and eating healthily and I am reading articles and books that have to do with weight issues and the like. I can’t tell right now whether it is helping or hurting. The pandemic 15 is not my reality but if I don’t get a handle of what has me literally stuck at this high weight, I don’t know what I am going to do. To my credit, I am still showing up for things. I am still getting dressed nicely regardless of whether I need to go out or stay home. I am allowing my picture to be taken “as is” because there will be nothing worse for my children in the future than not having pictures of me or with me because I was too “fat”. My daughter wishes the subject was not constantly in our conversations but I am afraid that regardless of whether society accepts us or not, being overweight is simply not healthy and it is definitely not comfortable.

My latest purchase is MyFitnessPal. I signed up for the free month and in a couple of days, the charge will appear on my credit card. I am excited actually to be back on some plan. My personality does not really do well with free fall eating. I feel awful. I enjoy the structure and the reason why we have strayed so far (my husband and I) is because we have welcomed our children and other guests and it seems like a terrible idea to be “watching” what we eat while having to cook and entertain others. For today, I will focus on thanking my body for all the things it does without any help from me and I will do my best to do my best with smart eating at every meal.

August, Not the Month!

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In my mind, people confuse me for the kind of woman depicted in the above picture. Serious, scholarly bookish, etc. but in reality I do not feel I am those things. I wish I could actually know what people think of me when they first see me but it is not a question that I would ever ask. Instead I guess at perceptions based on the kinds of things that people ask me or by their spontaneous reactions to something I say or do.

It has been my habit to observe rather than participate in conversations that take on religious or political themes because I don’t feel confident enough in my grasp of these subjects. Lately I have seen that people who have less of a grasp on current events than I do are often not hesitant to share them to whoever will listen. It happens with the vaccines, the state of the economy, whether or not Cuomo did the things he was accused of and so on and so on.

My self-esteem is “normal”. I don’t consider myself a person who is consumed with pleasing others or having everyone like me although I will recognize that having other people’s respect is something that I am not immune to. I don’t like to be dismissed and can’t stand being ignored in any situation. When I was younger, it never occurred to me to think that people might not be ignoring me but just not able to see me because I am pretty short. Sometimes I ask myself if that is the reason I allowed myself to gain weight or let my hair grow so long and curly that it would be impossible to walk by and not be noticed.

I went to pick up a prescription for my husband the other day at the local pharmacy. While I was waiting my turn, a woman came in from a nearby eyeglass store. She approached me and asked me whether I was the woman who had come in days before with my husband to get new glasses for him. I had. She then told me that she was just about to call him but then spotted me and decided to let me know in person. I was frankly flattered that she remembered me after just a few minutes of a transaction. When I recounted the incident to my husband, I asked him what he thought made me stand out for her. I do have pretty curly and distinctive hair but lots of other people in our town do too. I am short and round, but so are about 80 percent of the town’s women. He replied that I have a very distinct body type…interesting to know and curious to see where that goes in the future. Just a few minutes ago, I was telling my aunt that I find my daily swimming makes me feel good and keeps my joints flexible and pretty pain free. She replied that the swimming is what makes my body look “firm”. Another interesting description. A rather positive one since being flabby is not something I would enjoy at any weight or age. I do try to keep movement in my life.

I looked up the word “august” today. My MBP’s built-in dictionary came back with these wonderful words to define it: distinguished, respected, eminent, venerable, hallowed, illustrious, prestigious, renowned, celebrated, honored, acclaimed, esteemed, exalted, highly regarded, well thought of, of distinction, of repute; great, important, of high standing, lofty, high-ranking, noble, regal, royal, aristocratic; imposing, impressive, awe-inspiring, magnificent, majestic, imperial, stately, lordly, kingly, grand, dignified, solemn, proud.

The woman that is pictured above does seem to fit the dictionary definition of “august” and it is something I will admit I aspire to be. The woman I feel I present (but obviously that is challenged by recent comments is the one below:

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I think she is probably having a lot more fun than Ms. August! I am earnestly concerned that neither one of these gals is getting the writing I need to get done to publish my first book…be it memoir, novel or just a collection of inspiring journal entries. I have had a wonderful time writing this week. It has been a collection of days of exploratory sessions which I hope to continue during the rest of my days, which I hope will be plenty.