Size is just a number

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What size I wear is really not of any interest to anyone and yet I allow myself to be so judgmental of myself when I try on an outfit I think I can squeeze into and find that I can´t.

I once had a boyfriend who I loved very much. One day we were talking about this and that and the fantasy of a life together came up. We joked about getting older and I remember saying that I would absolutely balk if he ever became fat. He was shocked by that statement, my only excuse today is that I had worked so hard to have a lovely figure that the very idea of losing it was a very scary prospect. We eventually broke up, the timing was just not right for us.

We met up several years later. By that time both of us had married and divorced and I had put on a few pounds. He teased me gently and reminded me that the person he fell in love with was still the same, that it didn´t matter to him … instead of graciously and lovingly accepting his comment, I vowed to take off the weight…and I did. The timing again wasn´t right for us, indeed, it never would have worked out

I married a wonderful person, had a family and have an successful marriage. Somewhere along the line, both us of became complacent married folk and have gained a lot of weight during our 30 year marriage. I am tonight spending time at my dad´s house and as I do every time I am here, I look into my deceased mother´s closet just to familiarize myself with the clothes she left behind and try to make some decisions. Although our tastes were different, there are a couple of items that are nice and others that bring her immediately back to me. Tonight I tried on a couple of things (sizes 16, 18, 20)…too tight, okay, too big..I am horrified I am this fat, shocked I let myself go like this. And mind you, I am 20 lbs. lighter than I was at this time 2 years ago. It is hard to get my mind around it, I am trying to focus on the weight loss and I know I can still lose the 25 lbs. that would make me fit into a more acceptable 12-14. But my body has taken on an unusual shape…gravity and excess weight are not a good combination!

For today, I skipped the wine, the chocolates and the cookies. Tomorrow is another day, I started this blog feeling a bit down but expunging my feelings has allowed me to get a grip, it´s not the end of the world and nobody cares what size I wear!

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